That feeling when you have two different book stories developing parallelly in your head, but can’t write either. And that’s on good days. On bad days, there are five of them. Plus-minus.

If I were to pick a single most superimposing feeling that has followed me for the last couple of month, it would be ‘alienation’.

It’s not a foreign feeling to me on everyday basis either, but the last few months… When I look at the outside world I find it dominated by certain shared sentiments that are conveyed by many voices on the internet and television…and the I find myself absolutely unable to resonate or agree with them.

Day after day, I find myself feeling something very different compared to the loudest things I hear from outside, and I have to tell myself that it would be better for myself and everyone to retreat deeper into my own world and not get involved. Keep my opinions and feelings to myself. Do not react. Turn away and do my own thing. Stop thinking what does this inability to resonate with human society make me.

They were talking about all the bad habits of ‘sekkachi’ (impatient, restless, rash) people on the TV, of how they (we) constantly think of ‘what’s ahead’ and keep skipping over what is going right now… When you put it in words like that, that’s a nasty way to live.

But then, when you’re made that way it’s not like you can really change the way your brain works. These things are not just ‘personality’ you can ‘fix’, they are built in into your structure. (Even if you think it’s possible to fix it from within, it would require a lot of patient work on yourself, and thus it becomes a loop of impossible–to get the thing you need you need to already have the same thing in the first place.) ​And the only thing the ‘professors’ could recommend for fixing it is ‘to get fat’…because apparently big and fat animals are slower and more patient, and slow metabolism will help slow down your brain… (It’s better to not look at this sentence too closely.)

But all this reminds me very painfully of all my book projects where I have written the beginning and some ‘important plot parts’ and climaxes, but can’t find any patience to sit down and write everything that comes in between.

I keep going back to school in my dreams. Tonight, though, I also moved to Australia to become a singer. And go back to school.

I feel like I’m staying mostly quiet these days because I’m very much afraid to jinx too many things. You know, the way universe likes to play cruel jokes on you, the moment you express your hopes and feeling out loud.

I’m afraid that we will have to go back to the way things were before.

I’m afraid to make a wrong move and scare off the positive changes that’ve been going on.

If I could live in Japanese society/culture but in Scandinavian (or even UK) climate and population density (and distance from Europe where my family is), I’d be the happiest person, I think.

I’ve been avoiding using Uber Eats and instead relying on the more organisation-based food delivery services because there’s a certain comfort in the illusion of the ‘professionalism’ they afford. As in, the delivery people are people who do it as a job, and feel a bit more reliable.

I’ve decided to try it, because with this virus business there are now lots of very interesting restaurants to be found in the Uber Eats database that I probably wouldn’t found otherwise.

I tried.

The short version: It got delivered to wrong building. I had to go out and sneak into the next building to pick up a bag in front of some stranger’s door. Since I contacted the support before I found it, the Uber Eats support refunded me full price of the order and added a 500yen(almost $5) coupon. I now feel very uncomfortable, because even though it is a correct move on their part, I didn’t want the refund because I still got to eat the food.

The long version: There were some system problems with entering my address—it kept not showing and I tried re-entering in couple of different ways. In the end I made sure I entered all important information somewhere.

I also selected the option to have the food left in front of my door. Which is logical in the current times, but might have been a big mistake.

Our building has locked entrance, so unless the delivery person is let in by someone else entering/exiting, he would have to ring my room to be let in. I expected him to ring me anyway.

Instead, while I was waiting for the doorbell, suddenly I received the notification that the order was delivered and done. I went to look outside my door: nothing. I got my shoes and went down to see if he could’ve left in the lobby: nothing. I looked around the floor to see if it’s in from of any other doors: nothing.

I was already beginning to suspect what happened, because, unfortunately, there are buildings 1 and 2, with the same name, next to each other, and I live in the building 2. I looked over at the building 1 (because both buildings are in the ’empty square shape’ and you can see through), but I couldn’t see all the doors on the floor to say for sure. Besides, with exception for some taxi drivers, no delivery person ever made this mistake, as far as I know, because the tenants’ names are displayed on the rooms and mail boxes.

I contacted the UberEats support saying that the order wasn’t delivered. I then saw that the driver had uploaded the photo of the delivery and realised that he really must’ve delivered it to the next building and just left it in front of the door. I walked to the next building imagining if I’ll have to ring the person who lives in the room with the same number as I and ask them if they have food in front of their door. However, luckily for me, the building 1 doesn’t have the same locked entrance as we do, so I was able to just walk into the building, take the elevator to the same floor, and find the paper bag with my food in front of stranger’s door.

I brought the food home and messaged the support again, saying that I have solved the problem and found the food myself in the wrong building. I sent in the ‘evaluation’, and while I put the honest negative for the delivery to a wrong place, I still added a tip…well, because he did actually deliver and uploaded the picture of it.

A few minutes later the support wrote me back that they have refunded the full price of the order, and added a complementary coupon, and are very sorry for all the inconvenience. They ‘looked into the situation’ and found out that the delivery guy completed the delivery without the following proper instructions, and while they won’t fire him, they will make sure he won’t be making same mistakes again.

Thing is, this whole situation left me very uncomfortable. While, logically speaking, they are probably right to do it this way from the business point of view, because he did make a mistake of not making sure he delivered to the correct address and not contacting me (I don’t know if he ever rang the door bell in the other building)… I really would rather not get refund since I did get the food and he did actually deliver it, even if he made a mistake.

I may have a habit of glorifying people a bit too much when I don’t know them. As in, in my head, I actually imagine someone who tried to earnestly do the fob, believing he’d done everything correctly, and then receiving contact from the company saying that I told them he didn’t deliver the stuff and he won’t get paid because he made a mistake. And I don’t like it.

I hope at least the restaurant won’t have to be involved (not that I was completely satisfied with their delivery either, though) and UberEats will cover the price, instead of taking it out either of the restaurant or the driver.

The reason I wrote this long rambly post is that the feelings I have on this issue don’t really match with what I feel like I should be feeling.

What I probably should be feeling is relief that I don’t need to pay for this overpriced and stressful meal. The delivery person made a mistake. The mistake was avoidable, but he didn’t take steps to avoid it.

What I actually feel, is guilt for involving all these people (the restaurant, the delivery person, the UberEats people in general) and making their day worse by deciding to order food I didn’t really need that much. It feels like it wasn’t even 100% the delivery guy’s fault, because of the whole situation with two buildings and fact that I didn’t want to interact with people and requested the ‘leave in front of the door’ delivery. It also feels like it was me who should’ve taken more steps to ensure there was less margin for error for other people.

I also wasted 3 hours of my Sunday on processing this issue and it feels like a fail all way through.

…If I ever use Uber Eats again, I’ll have to remember to add a ‘make sure it’s the correct building’ to the notes.

After taking a nice quiet 40-minute walk home in icy wind without a scarf, also getting lost a couple of times, I feel I won’t even need corona to get myself a nice two-week vacation being sick at home.

When it comes to doctors and therapists… I can’t help to feel like I’m screaming into a void. I’m constantly trying to send an SOS. Tell people that something is wrong. That walking around with daily headaches, chronic exhaustion, thinking ‘I’m so fucking tired…’ from morning to evening every single day without exception, feeling like my consciousness is slipping away multiple times during any day, having to force myself to move because I keep freezing in space, getting lost in time, forgetting what day it is, and especially what day of the week it is really not right… And yet not a single medical professional I’ve met has taken it seriously enough to actually look for WHY, instead of trying out a collection of medications, and then shrugging me off when I tell them none of those work.

Then, I face a situation where, having a very stressful and anxiety-filled week, I can’t even rely on any tranquillisers because I’m too groggy and scatterbrained as I it is, and I’m too afraid to add any chemicals (or not so chemicals) in the mix that can make me feel even less ‘present’ in the reality.

Instead of tranquillisers, today I have to rely on food, therapeutic activity of copying books by hand, and first seasons of Great British Bake Off.

Me: planning things to do on Saturday, what to watch, what to watch after that, clean while watching, take out the trash, maybe play some DSIII sometime before evening, try to write some more for that story I’ve been focusing on last couple of weeks…

Reality: read a random paragraph of a random book I picked up in the middle of cleaning, get and idea, sit down for 3 hours and write 3000 words for a completely new story I didn’t even see coming.

I have honestly lost count of the ‘new story sketches’ with main characters and setting outlined I have ‘saved for later’ in my Scrivener projects…

i.
I ordered a new couch.
(Which I wasn’t really planning to do right now, I only wanted to look around to see the selection, because my current couch, even though looks fine, has begin to hurt my back, but then I sat down on one particular couch in a store…and decided that that’s the kind of comfort I have to have at the end of every day…)
And now I have unreasonable emotions towards having to say goodbye to my old couch.
Apparently, it’s been my only friend since I moved here after graduating, it’s seen me through a lot of hell, and I’ll miss it.

ii.
One of the things about myself that bothers me the most, is my inability to talk about or praise something I actually like, other than saying something among the lines of ‘This good. I like. Try it.’, but then going on and on about something I don’t like and explaining why exactly I think it’s bad in much detail. I don’t think it’s a good quality to have.

All I could think by the end of the ‘A Star is Born’ is why didn’t we see someone blow that fking manager’s brains out by the end of the movie?

I already wanted to do it midway through the movie.

It really needed to be done.

I don’t like it.

The ever-growing number of wrong steps and panicked lunges in inappropriate directions can hardly come as any kind of surprise when the ground is constantly crumbling beneath your feet, biting on your heels.

And there’s nothing else.

No stop, no rest, no safe haven, no place to step back and breathe before taking a step.

Year, after year, after year.

And the point comes when making mistakes and wrongs is not the worst thing anymore, it’s not being able to stop caring about making them that is the absolute worst.

had an anxiety attack because I painted my nails.

Not even an anxiety inducing colour.

I don’t even guess anymore

And summer ‘vacation’ is gone.

With regards to the to do list, I’ve managed only the web page design update. Mostly.

Also, got back to OmmWriter in an attempt to rewrite the Prologue to the main ‘Chronicles’ series…and realised that, since it’s about to go over 10,000 words, I probably shouldn’t really be calling it just a ‘prologue’ anymore.

(Also, found out that I own at least 6 pairs of shoes I have never worn more than once…likely bought in a wrong size because I wasn’t able to handle being in the store. Trying to get rid of them using Merucari app now. In order to prevent the repeat of this in the future, I do believe I will now mostly only buy shoes using Amazon Wardrobe option (tried once, worked great). Because, apparently, unless we are talking about boots, I can spend 2 hours in a store trying on various shoes just, trying find a pair that will fit and won’t hurt (everything hurts), and still only get something in a wrong size and a skull-crushing and stomach-turning migraine from just being in the store…)

Once in a while I need to write these things out to force my mind to focus on them. As if to feel like writing/posting them will make them solid:

  • I need to change the layout of this site. I’ve even chosen what I want, just can’t figure out how to make it work. Which I should do now, because next time when I might have time won’t come around soon.

My writing projects currently feature:

  • Chronicles duology: over 160,000 words and about 30% done
  • Chronicles series: over 57,000 words and below 10% done
  • Shards and other ideas: 20,000 words over all
  • New SF standalone and contemporary standalone: both about 3000 words each, with first chapters and only plot notes done

My excuse is one and only – health. It’s been very difficult to write anything but shit when I only constantly feel like shit. But I do need to make some progress, to at least not feel like shit for failing at this as well.

The bad: Had to go to work in the middle of summer holidays, right on the next days after I got back from the airport in the evening.

The good: Managed to finish everything in 1 day, instead of 2.

The good: Didn’t have to turn on the lights in the office with no one else there and it was great. The best.

The bad: The people who passed by did believe it necessary to ask me if I just didn’t know how to turn them on.