world

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I went from reading around 30 books a month in two languages to hardly reading any, because I lapsed into the ‘I’m gonna re-read the hundreds (if not multiple thousands) of fanfics I have on my Kindle again’ phase.

(And I have a weird relationship with fan fiction, where I have a couple of specific fandoms, two which are based on TV shows I’ve never watched a single episode of (and not going to), and another one is Star Trek, and mostly skip the porn and any lengthy angsty staff, and focus on fluff-and-comfort and weird comedy AUs.)

Problem is, there is only one kind of books I want to read, and it often feels like it’s the opposite of what ‘publishers’ and ‘public’ believe constitutes a good book.

In fact, the only books I would say fitted into the ‘what I need from a book’ the closest were self-published books with a relatively small fan base.

And what I need are the books that make my life better, that bring something positive into it. Books that are not based on the nauseatingly popular ‘angst is cool’ and ‘death, gore, suffering, and pain are even cooler’ presumptions.

I went through the phase when I read all kinds of books the world has to offer—the classics, the dead white guy hits, the award winners, the problem works—when I was a teenager. I had two good English Lit teachers in high school who also chose books meant to teach you something (Color Purple, Black Rain, 100 Years of Solitude, etc). I also did my postgrad thesis on women’s literature, including people like Tony Morrison, Joan Didion, Dorothy Alison, Loise Erdrich, and others.

And the thing is, that was more than enough. I don’t need any books that try to teach me about monsters in my life anymore. The things people call ‘profound’ and ‘raw’ and ‘deeply influential’ and ‘unsettling commentary’, with all the ‘exploring the challenges ans struggles’. I don’t need books that focus on the portrayal of horrors, pain, human problems, conflict, hatred, prejudice, drama, and all the other negative things that for some reason are considered to be a must-have for a book to be a bestseller. It’s like people think that a story is only worth telling if there’s pain or sadness in it. Like ‘good’ is not enough to be interesting.

I need books that banish and eradicate horrors, pain, human problems, conflict, hatred, prejudice, drama. Books that focus on good, happiness, love, and comfort.

And honestly, I don’t get why they are so hard to find. Why people are so obsessed with angst and drama that they think a book cannot be considered a book unless it has some hurtful drama in it.

It’s why I binge-read so many weird romances in the last year, because they felt like the closest you could come to literature made for fun and comfort, but then even the silliest comedy-romance books (in any genre) would have some ‘weird unnecessary drama’ phase around 70% into the story, like they all went through the same cookie cutter. Like someone told all writers and publishers that a book won’t sell if you don’t put some unnecessary angst and stupid drama into exact same spot in every book. And I’ve literally read hundreds of them, and found out that about 90% follow the exact same pattern.

Right now, I believe that books that don’t make my life better—and I don’t mean some “educational” and “how-to” crap, I mean the books that make me feel better, that bring me positive emotions, that make me smile, that take me somewhere where I don’t need to deal with angst, pain, and drama—are just not worth my time anymore. Why would I willingly spend my time on something that bring me negative emotions? Why do other people do?

So once again I find myself too tired of angst and drama to open any of the 100smth unread books I have piled in my apartment, and am hiding in a ton of fluffy fanfiction instead.

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I’m aware that I’m very very late on this train, and by ‘late’ I mean the train has probably come and gone so long ago most people already forgot there was a train, but

I’m watching the US Bachelor for the very first time in my life, because I caught it by accident on the TV, and experiencing this very weird sort of glee…because:

I really don’t like the guy (like, I’m sure he’s fine, I just wouldn’t want to touch him with a 10ft pole and the more I watch the more I dislike him),

I hate his ideas of ‘dates’ (and it’s kind of amazing how people can do this with straight faces and squeal in delight at all these things. I’m yet to see a single one I would want to participate in even with a person I liked (upd.: well, fine, they finally went horseback riding in the mountains so I guess there was one)),

I don’t get how these women can subject themselves to all this (and in public! on the TV where everyone will see!) and why they behave the way they do… Actually, I think I just don’t get these women at all.

And really, the whole idea of this show, with all it’s falseness and insincerity, the whole ‘I’m gonna have this long ‘romantic’ date, talk about feelings, and make out with this woman…and an hour later I’m gonna do the same and make out with another woman’ and then rinse and repeat about 20 more times? (I do hope he rinses though, because that’s a lot of making out with strangers) And everyone knows it and acts like there’s nothing weird about it?

It’s like watching a fascinating Animal Planet documentary, although I’m actually supposed to be same species with these monkeys.

Also, I don’t think it’s really healthy to keep watching by getting hooked on the feelings of ‘wow, wtf is that/I kinda really hate that’ I get with literally every next thing I see on this show, but here we are.

I think I need to watch the Bachelorette. (which I never knew it existed until yesterday)

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I don’t like summer. The heat and humidity drive me to panic attacks, and make me want to stay inside for months. If I lived somewhere cold when summers were short and summer nights were cool, I’m sure it would be different.

But there is one thing about the Japanese summer that has gotten under my skin. It’s the cicadas’ songs. I don’t like summer, but when I lie in bed and listen to the familiar melodies of the Japanese cicadas outside that sing of summer heat, the world feels right.

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If I were to pick a single most superimposing feeling that has followed me for the last couple of month, it would be ‘alienation’.

It’s not a foreign feeling to me on everyday basis either, but the last few months… When I look at the outside world I find it dominated by certain shared sentiments that are conveyed by many voices on the internet and television…and the I find myself absolutely unable to resonate or agree with them.

Day after day, I find myself feeling something very different compared to the loudest things I hear from outside, and I have to tell myself that it would be better for myself and everyone to retreat deeper into my own world and not get involved. Keep my opinions and feelings to myself. Do not react. Turn away and do my own thing. Stop thinking what does this inability to resonate with human society make me.

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If I could live in Japanese society/culture but in Scandinavian (or even UK) climate and population density (and distance from Europe where my family is), I’d be the happiest person, I think.

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Yet, I believe what really grinds my gears, and prevents me from leaving this topic alone and not wasting my energy on thinking about it for 2 days already, is that if the situation was the opposite, as in, if the main characters were supposed to be from somewhere from Africa (or say Asia or Middle East), but instead white British actors were hired to play their roles, there would have been 10 times more outrage.

And then thousands of people who never even read the books would also flock to protest and express their outrage once they’d sniff it out, because how dare the tv producers not respect people’s races and cultures.

And I highly doubt the author would have been able to write her ‘proud post’ about how she thinks the cast is just right, and she never even remembered that her own main character had eyes of a specific colour. and that he is ‘right for the role in every way that matters’ (except race, because race doesn’t matter). Because she would just get stoned for that.

…In everyday circumstances, I would be among the first to say that race doesn’t matter. Because, in everyday life, I don’t really care (and, to be honest, my cognitive abilities are failing enough that sometimes I can’t tell Japanese people from foreigners when I’m outside…).

But when we talk about integrity of cultures and world settings… I think every culture and setting should be equally protected and represented as it was historically, or as it was written to be.

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I think you need a certain amount of courage to drink something named “Yellow Snow”…

(I bought it because you also need a certain amount of courage to name your drink so. I couldn’t help it.

…it’s actually not bad.

…but made me feel like I was being pranked anyway.)

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It always amused me how easily we accept that we live in a world where ‘depression and suicidal thoughts’ are listed as a side effects of the medication which you take against the depression and suicidal thoughts.

It’s a small example of a big world-standard pattern, but I hope some will get what I was trying to say.

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things that distress me on an airplane: smell; sleeping spread out in the aisle seat and not letting people out; putting things and extremities outside the space allocated to your seat; kicking my seat or jumping around and touching me in any way.

things that don’t distress me at all: reclining your seat towards mine; pets.

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there are days when I’m amazed by the modern technology and the ways in which it helps human lives
and I like having my phone that helps me find any information I need wherever I am and many other useful functions
and I love how technology allows me to reach anywhere in the world, and learn
there are even days when I wish for some even more amazing things in our life (like a faster way to travel to the other side of the world)

and yet, most of the time I kinda wish I could still live in a world with no smartphones, computer games (says one working with game development and publishing) and many other things that feel like they distract us from things that should matter more

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I’m thinking about nature vs. intelligence in human beings
whether the ‘nature’ part in each human is a part of, connected to, the planet and life on it as a whole
and how humanity does receive signals from it, how to regulate and keep the balance,
but the intelligence and those parts of human minds that stand further from nature block those signals,
which leads to destruction of… pretty much everything. Individual humans and the world.

sunday thoughts… I guess?

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You either care enough to do something about it. 
Or you don’t and you go on with with your own life. 
And, objectively speaking, there is always something you can do. 
If you get up and change your focus from yourself on to something else. 
And there are plenty of people who actually do. 
Who leave what they know and go out there to do anything they can to help.
With their own hands.
Lets not pretend that we care just as much as they do, 
when in fact our ‘caring’ doesn’t outweigh the desire to stick to our own comfort. 
I can cry watching the news, 
but I’m not going to lie to myself to make myself feel better, 
if all I’m going to do is look away and carry on.