dreams

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I’ve been seeing a lot of trippy dreams lately. And they often feel much longer than I actually get to sleep. It’s a lot of flying, killing, hiding, disturbingly vivid and just disturbing details (there was this abandoned half-constructed bridge I was flying over this night, and it was full of feathers, and cages, and bird poop, and rabid chickens and turkeys both alive and dead, because apparently people abandoned crates with birds and animals on this bridge for some reason? And I remember so much detail about those stacked dirty cages and giant rabid brown chickens…), rooms, people I don’t know at all, but I do there, …and it’s both half-lucid, and mostly false-lucid, in the way that the me in the dream who thinks she is lucid thinks and remembers things that are also not real, and then I have a lot of trouble of sorting through things and figuring out which ones were real when I wake up. Because apparently I now dream in layers, when I dream about another myself who is dreaming. There are also layers of stories, when I kind of witness someone else’s story while dreaming my own, and in my dream I think ‘oh, I know this story, it’s from that book/movie/thing I read’…but it’s actually not, because I dreamt that part too.

Getting half-lucid dreams feels kind of like playing chess against someone else. They throw all the bad things at me, trying to corner me, but I get to decide that when an army of ‘evil super heroes’ (or mutants, I don’t know, it was trippy) attacks me and my own, overpowering everyone one by one, I get to climb where I want to climb, grow wings, and turn invisible in the air; and even though they still try to follow me when I’m invisible, because they are freaky supernaturals too, I get to decide that I will escape no matter what. I also get to decide that all my people are alive and I can know it for sure in my heart. My opponent throws more difficulties and monsters with super powers my way, but I get to be an invisible avenging angel with black wings and a sniper rifle. I sometimes get distracted by the disturbingly real post-apocalyptic world we happen to be in (my real dream worlds just make me want to stop and take in every detail) while I fly over it, and the weird side stories I witness (there was a boy and a horse locked on a very high floor of a very big abandoned factory building, drug dealers, and cold pizza I stole), but in general it feels like I get to dictate my side of the story, while someone else dictates the setting and the side I have to fight against. Which is strange, because in the end, it’s all in my head. Even though I have no idea where most of it comes from.

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They were talking about all the bad habits of ‘sekkachi’ (impatient, restless, rash) people on the TV, of how they (we) constantly think of ‘what’s ahead’ and keep skipping over what is going right now… When you put it in words like that, that’s a nasty way to live.

But then, when you’re made that way it’s not like you can really change the way your brain works. These things are not just ‘personality’ you can ‘fix’, they are built in into your structure. (Even if you think it’s possible to fix it from within, it would require a lot of patient work on yourself, and thus it becomes a loop of impossible–to get the thing you need you need to already have the same thing in the first place.) ​And the only thing the ‘professors’ could recommend for fixing it is ‘to get fat’…because apparently big and fat animals are slower and more patient, and slow metabolism will help slow down your brain… (It’s better to not look at this sentence too closely.)

But all this reminds me very painfully of all my book projects where I have written the beginning and some ‘important plot parts’ and climaxes, but can’t find any patience to sit down and write everything that comes in between.

I keep going back to school in my dreams. Tonight, though, I also moved to Australia to become a singer. And go back to school.

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If I could live in Japanese society/culture but in Scandinavian (or even UK) climate and population density (and distance from Europe where my family is), I’d be the happiest person, I think.

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My dream living place would probably look something like this. Big woolfy dog included.

I start to really hate white walls. 
But that’s what vast majority of rented apartments have.

Also, a cold place with minimum insects, please. 
And no tall buildings blocking your sky and looking into your windows.

I can dream.
Dreaming makes me cry these days, but I can dream.

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The weird shit I dreamt one day a while ago, was the weirdest and the shittiest shit I’ve seen in a while.
Of the things I could put into coherent words, I remembered conversationally telling someone who wad supposed to be my dead relative that I died on the final month of my pregnancy. And that was not the only dead baby present. There were also exploding buses, falling airplanes, mind-controlling and people-kidnapping slime, people turned into rings, a glimpse of porn, and sassy-talking warrior horses. Overall, imagine a 100 of weirdest sci-fi movies you’ve ever seen cut up and meshed together.

The funnest part that these dreams with my head so much, I managed to go to work without my glasses(hello eye pain and headaches all day long), work ID or phone and music charges. Basically most of things I need to function at work.

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Imagine how cool it would be if the time would stop for reading. 
And you could read as much as you want and it just would not count as ‘spending time’.

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2-3 times a week I tend to have rather strange waking-up thoughts. 
My favourite to this day is likely the “If you poke a vampire with a stick he will become dry and delicious” one, which I voiced to a friend who was waking me up after 4 hours of sleep many years ago.

Recently, I woke up with a thought about “whether a person who did not grow up with parental love (let’s define this parameter as ‘an ideal healthy family situation with 2 caring parents present’) can truly write from a perspective of a person who did not, and vice versa.”

I also dreamt about a discussion of responsibility of adults towards those around them vs. towards only themselves.

Can I please sleep without being so busy?

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In other words
it’s the
“push me, push me, I want to taste how it feels to fly, before I hit the ground”
state of mind

I will bind and cover hundreds of pages with my insanity
and make my wings out of them
and next time I need to fly and not hit the ground…
… I will.

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Of course I’m not the only one who is trying to write this book. I’m trying to write it with all of me. With every me that got buried over the years and who’s memories I took so much care to burn every time. It is the only way to do right by them. Do right by me.

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Another not very pleasant dream feeling – when I get stuck in-between state, and am supposed to be in this world of a fantasy book I’m reading, but I’m slowly waking up and the real world overlaps and turns it into something weird like riding a metro train to battle, besieged castle having an electronic glass backdoor, me hurrying trying to find and wear my armour and only finding my real 10-year old horse riding trousers.

The frustration is real.

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I was running through crowds and fighting some people in funny hats with a sabre that didn’t feel entirely real in my hand… in my dream tonight.
And my brother (who was fighting with some sort of naginata) decided to get married in the middle of all that. And I was the only one on his side of the family (hiding my sabre behind my back), and the mother of the bride cried when she thanked me for coming.
And then the enemies came, I shouted ‘Battle formation!’ and woke up.
… and I don’t even have a brother.

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saw a dream

of waking up in a room and not being able to see, because it was filled with mist
and then I looked out of the open window and saw clouds flowing right past and below it,
and I could touch the clouds.
And I grabbed one and ate it, and it tasted like shaved ice and I thought that that must have been a snow cloud.

 

That’s how much I miss cold and misty weather.

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had the weirdest dream about different reincarnations of the same lovers (just the two of them, but the two from different ages) talking to each other (about fighting some sickness that run in the family and killed them young, over and over again) and feel like I wasn’t actually sleeping (more like tossing about for five hours), and like I saw through a dozen of their lives all at the same time…

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It’s kind of difficult to focus on your ‘real life’, or the ‘awake’ life,
when you feel like you just lived a whole different one in your dream

and that’s how it’s on most of mornings

maybe that’s one of the reasons why I feel so much like a ghost all the time