humans

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I met an autistic boy today in the waiting room, and reconfirmed that the difference between them (autistic boys) and us (autistic girls) is really more on a surface of things than on the inside. As in, we feel the same things, but we express them, and our reactions to them, completely differently.

(We were both very uncomfortable because the lights in the room were too bright, and it was interesting to watch how he expressed himself and made sure the lights of specific color were turned off.)

It’s such a strange difference.

It also kind of feels that it’s more stressful to be an autistic girl, because we are the one’s who mask, mimic, hide, keep things inside, care about others’ reactions… While autistic boys tend to be very rigid in their routines and needs, and show their issues on the outside.

Girls try to tiptoe and camouflage (while not always successfully) while boys drive over everyone in their tanks and often don’t even notice they are doing it.

Sometimes I wish I could also drive a tank. It probably would be a bit less self-destructive than how I usually end up dealing with situations that drive me mad (as in not dealing with them and trying to endure until I get too overwhelmed and too exhausted).

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I’m aware that I’m very very late on this train, and by ‘late’ I mean the train has probably come and gone so long ago most people already forgot there was a train, but

I’m watching the US Bachelor for the very first time in my life, because I caught it by accident on the TV, and experiencing this very weird sort of glee…because:

I really don’t like the guy (like, I’m sure he’s fine, I just wouldn’t want to touch him with a 10ft pole and the more I watch the more I dislike him),

I hate his ideas of ‘dates’ (and it’s kind of amazing how people can do this with straight faces and squeal in delight at all these things. I’m yet to see a single one I would want to participate in even with a person I liked (upd.: well, fine, they finally went horseback riding in the mountains so I guess there was one)),

I don’t get how these women can subject themselves to all this (and in public! on the TV where everyone will see!) and why they behave the way they do… Actually, I think I just don’t get these women at all.

And really, the whole idea of this show, with all it’s falseness and insincerity, the whole ‘I’m gonna have this long ‘romantic’ date, talk about feelings, and make out with this woman…and an hour later I’m gonna do the same and make out with another woman’ and then rinse and repeat about 20 more times? (I do hope he rinses though, because that’s a lot of making out with strangers) And everyone knows it and acts like there’s nothing weird about it?

It’s like watching a fascinating Animal Planet documentary, although I’m actually supposed to be same species with these monkeys.

Also, I don’t think it’s really healthy to keep watching by getting hooked on the feelings of ‘wow, wtf is that/I kinda really hate that’ I get with literally every next thing I see on this show, but here we are.

I think I need to watch the Bachelorette. (which I never knew it existed until yesterday)

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Japanese society may be extremely rigid and unforgiving in many ways.

But it’s also kind of extremely understanding and welcoming to all kinds of kinks, weirdness, and otaku-ness. Especially when it comes to making money from all the said kinks and otaku-ness. Which means it’s pretty easy for people who are into some specific things (sometimes harmlessly weird, sometimes outright wrong…from having full arena concerts for holographic anime characters instead of real singers and to all kinds of fetish sex places, including common pubs where you can pay to touch women’s breasts all you like) to find a niche and fellow-minded people to realize their wishes and live true to their weirdness.

It’s a land of contrasts, and I think what makes it special is that you can find your own niche of extreme here, your own safe place, be it the clean places where everyone follows social rules or the underground places where everyone goes to enjoy breaking them very explicitly, and you can choose the world you’d rather live in here.

I, admittedly, land on the rather rigid side, and the weird places and things people do I sometimes hear about still blow my mind from time to time.

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People may have a lot of things.
You may even look at them and think, ‘Oh, they have so many things I don’t. They have so many things I wish I had. I would be so much happier if I had the things they have.’
And by ‘things’, I mean all things. Like family, friends, money, careers, houses and homes, hobbies, plans, places to be and people to talk to. All the things.
But the problem is that no matter how many things people have, it doesn’t mean that they have the one thing they need to keep living.

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I’m sure many people noticed/knew about this all these years, but I just made this discovery for myself for the very first time.

How funnily the world is connected in all the weird places.

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If I were to pick a single most superimposing feeling that has followed me for the last couple of month, it would be ‘alienation’.

It’s not a foreign feeling to me on everyday basis either, but the last few months… When I look at the outside world I find it dominated by certain shared sentiments that are conveyed by many voices on the internet and television…and the I find myself absolutely unable to resonate or agree with them.

Day after day, I find myself feeling something very different compared to the loudest things I hear from outside, and I have to tell myself that it would be better for myself and everyone to retreat deeper into my own world and not get involved. Keep my opinions and feelings to myself. Do not react. Turn away and do my own thing. Stop thinking what does this inability to resonate with human society make me.

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They were talking about all the bad habits of ‘sekkachi’ (impatient, restless, rash) people on the TV, of how they (we) constantly think of ‘what’s ahead’ and keep skipping over what is going right now… When you put it in words like that, that’s a nasty way to live.

But then, when you’re made that way it’s not like you can really change the way your brain works. These things are not just ‘personality’ you can ‘fix’, they are built in into your structure. (Even if you think it’s possible to fix it from within, it would require a lot of patient work on yourself, and thus it becomes a loop of impossible–to get the thing you need you need to already have the same thing in the first place.) ​And the only thing the ‘professors’ could recommend for fixing it is ‘to get fat’…because apparently big and fat animals are slower and more patient, and slow metabolism will help slow down your brain… (It’s better to not look at this sentence too closely.)

But all this reminds me very painfully of all my book projects where I have written the beginning and some ‘important plot parts’ and climaxes, but can’t find any patience to sit down and write everything that comes in between.

I keep going back to school in my dreams. Tonight, though, I also moved to Australia to become a singer. And go back to school.

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I feel like I’m staying mostly quiet these days because I’m very much afraid to jinx too many things. You know, the way universe likes to play cruel jokes on you, the moment you express your hopes and feeling out loud.

I’m afraid that we will have to go back to the way things were before.

I’m afraid to make a wrong move and scare off the positive changes that’ve been going on.

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I’ve been avoiding using Uber Eats and instead relying on the more organisation-based food delivery services because there’s a certain comfort in the illusion of the ‘professionalism’ they afford. As in, the delivery people are people who do it as a job, and feel a bit more reliable.

I’ve decided to try it, because with this virus business there are now lots of very interesting restaurants to be found in the Uber Eats database that I probably wouldn’t found otherwise.

I tried.

The short version: It got delivered to wrong building. I had to go out and sneak into the next building to pick up a bag in front of some stranger’s door. Since I contacted the support before I found it, the Uber Eats support refunded me full price of the order and added a 500yen(almost $5) coupon. I now feel very uncomfortable, because even though it is a correct move on their part, I didn’t want the refund because I still got to eat the food.

The long version: There were some system problems with entering my address—it kept not showing and I tried re-entering in couple of different ways. In the end I made sure I entered all important information somewhere.

I also selected the option to have the food left in front of my door. Which is logical in the current times, but might have been a big mistake.

Our building has locked entrance, so unless the delivery person is let in by someone else entering/exiting, he would have to ring my room to be let in. I expected him to ring me anyway.

Instead, while I was waiting for the doorbell, suddenly I received the notification that the order was delivered and done. I went to look outside my door: nothing. I got my shoes and went down to see if he could’ve left in the lobby: nothing. I looked around the floor to see if it’s in from of any other doors: nothing.

I was already beginning to suspect what happened, because, unfortunately, there are buildings 1 and 2, with the same name, next to each other, and I live in the building 2. I looked over at the building 1 (because both buildings are in the ’empty square shape’ and you can see through), but I couldn’t see all the doors on the floor to say for sure. Besides, with exception for some taxi drivers, no delivery person ever made this mistake, as far as I know, because the tenants’ names are displayed on the rooms and mail boxes.

I contacted the UberEats support saying that the order wasn’t delivered. I then saw that the driver had uploaded the photo of the delivery and realised that he really must’ve delivered it to the next building and just left it in front of the door. I walked to the next building imagining if I’ll have to ring the person who lives in the room with the same number as I and ask them if they have food in front of their door. However, luckily for me, the building 1 doesn’t have the same locked entrance as we do, so I was able to just walk into the building, take the elevator to the same floor, and find the paper bag with my food in front of stranger’s door.

I brought the food home and messaged the support again, saying that I have solved the problem and found the food myself in the wrong building. I sent in the ‘evaluation’, and while I put the honest negative for the delivery to a wrong place, I still added a tip…well, because he did actually deliver and uploaded the picture of it.

A few minutes later the support wrote me back that they have refunded the full price of the order, and added a complementary coupon, and are very sorry for all the inconvenience. They ‘looked into the situation’ and found out that the delivery guy completed the delivery without the following proper instructions, and while they won’t fire him, they will make sure he won’t be making same mistakes again.

Thing is, this whole situation left me very uncomfortable. While, logically speaking, they are probably right to do it this way from the business point of view, because he did make a mistake of not making sure he delivered to the correct address and not contacting me (I don’t know if he ever rang the door bell in the other building)… I really would rather not get refund since I did get the food and he did actually deliver it, even if he made a mistake.

I may have a habit of glorifying people a bit too much when I don’t know them. As in, in my head, I actually imagine someone who tried to earnestly do the fob, believing he’d done everything correctly, and then receiving contact from the company saying that I told them he didn’t deliver the stuff and he won’t get paid because he made a mistake. And I don’t like it.

I hope at least the restaurant won’t have to be involved (not that I was completely satisfied with their delivery either, though) and UberEats will cover the price, instead of taking it out either of the restaurant or the driver.

The reason I wrote this long rambly post is that the feelings I have on this issue don’t really match with what I feel like I should be feeling.

What I probably should be feeling is relief that I don’t need to pay for this overpriced and stressful meal. The delivery person made a mistake. The mistake was avoidable, but he didn’t take steps to avoid it.

What I actually feel, is guilt for involving all these people (the restaurant, the delivery person, the UberEats people in general) and making their day worse by deciding to order food I didn’t really need that much. It feels like it wasn’t even 100% the delivery guy’s fault, because of the whole situation with two buildings and fact that I didn’t want to interact with people and requested the ‘leave in front of the door’ delivery. It also feels like it was me who should’ve taken more steps to ensure there was less margin for error for other people.

I also wasted 3 hours of my Sunday on processing this issue and it feels like a fail all way through.

…If I ever use Uber Eats again, I’ll have to remember to add a ‘make sure it’s the correct building’ to the notes.

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‘Do you want to be an adult or a child? Children require comfort even in a crisis, because they can’t understand how urgent things are. In a child’s world, it’s all about them: how this affects me, how this makes me feel, why is life so unfair? An adult sees a problem and tries to fix it. They think of other people and they plan their actions aware of the consequences. …’

(c) Ilona Andrews, Sapphire Flames
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All I could think by the end of the ‘A Star is Born’ is why didn’t we see someone blow that fking manager’s brains out by the end of the movie?

I already wanted to do it midway through the movie.

It really needed to be done.

I don’t like it.

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Fun fact:
I’m too lazy to look up the exact ‘anti-smoking’ law that was passed recently, but
On the scale of our company (around 1800 people?), in accordance with it, all smoking areas on the premises will be removed before April of 2020, no smoking areas will be established going forward, and people won’t be allowed to smoke anywhere inside or outside the company (since you’re also not allowed to smoke on the street). Anywhere.

So, factually, smoking people will not have a single option to smoke since the moment they arrive at work until the moment they leave 9-10 hours (at least) later.

(including all kinds of electronic and vaping smoking devices)

I have a strong suspicion you won’t be allowed to smoke anywhere except inside your own house very soon in this country.

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While I love to pretend like I couldn’t be happier about escaping the chaos, the buzz, the heat, and the air pressure, and all the ‘too much’ things about the overcrowded megalopolis city I live and work in, the first thing I notice when I reach one of the small towns I like to go hide in, is that I have very little ability left to deal with little things about living and being outside without the anonymity the state of being one speck of sand in the overflowing sandbox that is Tokyo provides.

I’m making this about more than it is.

I just can’t really handle the difference in amount of human attention you draw just by existing in a small town, and the way that difference feels on my skin when I say, enter a cafe.

And the fact that there are no easy chain coffee shops where I can pop in, quickly buy a few giant cups to go and haul them back to my room to read and write in peace nowhere in the vicinity is throwing me more than it should.

I’m too used to have a selection of various coffee shops on every corner… And now I need to gather courage before I can enter a new kind of place.

In fact, I wonder if I even can discover a place where I can get a coffee to go at all around here at all…

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I sometimes manage to stay away from television, news, and real world in general so well that when I catch a glimpse of it by chance I suddenly find out that parts of country are being washed away with level 4 (out of 5) evacuation alerts, a number of very prominent and very famous tv figures got in organised crime-related trouble (which in this country means a big reconstruction on the tv scene because they will need to replace big tv shows that were in the same spots for many years and people who everyone was used to seeing all the time), and that some of my favourite (and very talented) musicians were arrested.

Feels like this world is never going to convince that there might be a merit in not living like an ostrich.

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Yet, I believe what really grinds my gears, and prevents me from leaving this topic alone and not wasting my energy on thinking about it for 2 days already, is that if the situation was the opposite, as in, if the main characters were supposed to be from somewhere from Africa (or say Asia or Middle East), but instead white British actors were hired to play their roles, there would have been 10 times more outrage.

And then thousands of people who never even read the books would also flock to protest and express their outrage once they’d sniff it out, because how dare the tv producers not respect people’s races and cultures.

And I highly doubt the author would have been able to write her ‘proud post’ about how she thinks the cast is just right, and she never even remembered that her own main character had eyes of a specific colour. and that he is ‘right for the role in every way that matters’ (except race, because race doesn’t matter). Because she would just get stoned for that.

…In everyday circumstances, I would be among the first to say that race doesn’t matter. Because, in everyday life, I don’t really care (and, to be honest, my cognitive abilities are failing enough that sometimes I can’t tell Japanese people from foreigners when I’m outside…).

But when we talk about integrity of cultures and world settings… I think every culture and setting should be equally protected and represented as it was historically, or as it was written to be.