Control?

Death Stranding (to listen to the music and look at environments mostly)?

Or replay Bloodborne?

Choices, choices… I may not be in quarantine, but I do have a 3 day weekend and a lot of anxiety to run away from.

While a large part of the world is already in lock-downs and quarantines, our company, who always thinks about people first (nothing but sarcasm here, if you don’t know), still believes that ‘working from home is not acceptable and is not an option’, and keeps coming up with these weird rules that they believe will help us avoid getting infected (even though everyone still has to get to work by crowded public transport, as neither cars not bicycles are allowed as commute options). The rules include:
– don’t use your fingers to push buttons in elevators; (nothing about not touching doors yet)
– don’t come closer than 1,4 meters when you need to talk to someone (regardless of the fact that our desks are much closer than that);
– don’t touch other people;
– don’t talk to each other for longer than 60min;
– don’t seat at the same table during lunch;
and other.

Now, if you find yourself with even mild cold-like symptoms, you get to:
– go home right away;
– measure your temperature twice a day and report it to your superiors every time;
– if you get it, your name will be posted for everyone in the company to see, the will be told to the officials, then you will be questioned by both the company and the city on where you’ve been and what you did in past days -> which makes me think that people will be very reluctant to come out with it unless their symptoms are very serious, which means they will continue to spread it while pretending to not be sick.

I’m pretty much resigned to getting sick myself (if idiotic company executives don’t get me, Immigration Office likely will), and watching this company burn and blame everything on employee’s bad hygiene when more than 50% of us will be either sick or sitting at home because of the 2-week mandatory quarantine that is forced on you if anyone you interacted with is sick.
But if they tell us to go home before we get sick they’ll have to pay us, so no may that is happening. We have two choices: a ) either you quarantine yourself before you get sick and sit at home without being paid for the full duration of your ‘vacation’, or b) you wait until you feel sick and then you can get at least partially paid.

Our company is not the only one who is doing this, because morning trains and streets are still full with commuters. I kind of have a feeling it has more to do with people not admitting to being infected, than with the fact that the number of infected in the country is low, with this density of population.

The only good thing in it all is that at least the people are not going crazy in stores (yet), and the only products in deficit are masks, toilet paper (still can’t get over how stupid this is in JAPAN), and hand sanitizer. 

After taking a nice quiet 40-minute walk home in icy wind without a scarf, also getting lost a couple of times, I feel I won’t even need corona to get myself a nice two-week vacation being sick at home.

When it comes to doctors and therapists… I can’t help to feel like I’m screaming into a void. I’m constantly trying to send an SOS. Tell people that something is wrong. That walking around with daily headaches, chronic exhaustion, thinking ‘I’m so fucking tired…’ from morning to evening every single day without exception, feeling like my consciousness is slipping away multiple times during any day, having to force myself to move because I keep freezing in space, getting lost in time, forgetting what day it is, and especially what day of the week it is really not right… And yet not a single medical professional I’ve met has taken it seriously enough to actually look for WHY, instead of trying out a collection of medications, and then shrugging me off when I tell them none of those work.

Then, I face a situation where, having a very stressful and anxiety-filled week, I can’t even rely on any tranquillisers because I’m too groggy and scatterbrained as I it is, and I’m too afraid to add any chemicals (or not so chemicals) in the mix that can make me feel even less ‘present’ in the reality.

Instead of tranquillisers, today I have to rely on food, therapeutic activity of copying books by hand, and first seasons of Great British Bake Off.

my life is a bit too relatable to the “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” thought

‘Do you want to be an adult or a child? Children require comfort even in a crisis, because they can’t understand how urgent things are. In a child’s world, it’s all about them: how this affects me, how this makes me feel, why is life so unfair? An adult sees a problem and tries to fix it. They think of other people and they plan their actions aware of the consequences. …’

(c) Ilona Andrews, Sapphire Flames

i.
I ordered a new couch.
(Which I wasn’t really planning to do right now, I only wanted to look around to see the selection, because my current couch, even though looks fine, has begin to hurt my back, but then I sat down on one particular couch in a store…and decided that that’s the kind of comfort I have to have at the end of every day…)
And now I have unreasonable emotions towards having to say goodbye to my old couch.
Apparently, it’s been my only friend since I moved here after graduating, it’s seen me through a lot of hell, and I’ll miss it.

ii.
One of the things about myself that bothers me the most, is my inability to talk about or praise something I actually like, other than saying something among the lines of ‘This good. I like. Try it.’, but then going on and on about something I don’t like and explaining why exactly I think it’s bad in much detail. I don’t think it’s a good quality to have.

All I could think by the end of the ‘A Star is Born’ is why didn’t we see someone blow that fking manager’s brains out by the end of the movie?

I already wanted to do it midway through the movie.

It really needed to be done.

I don’t like it.

The ever-growing number of wrong steps and panicked lunges in inappropriate directions can hardly come as any kind of surprise when the ground is constantly crumbling beneath your feet, biting on your heels.

And there’s nothing else.

No stop, no rest, no safe haven, no place to step back and breathe before taking a step.

Year, after year, after year.

And the point comes when making mistakes and wrongs is not the worst thing anymore, it’s not being able to stop caring about making them that is the absolute worst.

had an anxiety attack because I painted my nails.

Not even an anxiety inducing colour.

I don’t even guess anymore

Fun fact:
I’m too lazy to look up the exact ‘anti-smoking’ law that was passed recently, but
On the scale of our company (around 1800 people?), in accordance with it, all smoking areas on the premises will be removed before April of 2020, no smoking areas will be established going forward, and people won’t be allowed to smoke anywhere inside or outside the company (since you’re also not allowed to smoke on the street). Anywhere.

So, factually, smoking people will not have a single option to smoke since the moment they arrive at work until the moment they leave 9-10 hours (at least) later.

(including all kinds of electronic and vaping smoking devices)

I have a strong suspicion you won’t be allowed to smoke anywhere except inside your own house very soon in this country.

Every time I see a person on tv being portrayed as having a hangover—nursing a headache, wearing sunglasses, grimacing because everything is too bright and too noisy, and moving too fast is rewarded with spikes of nausea—I get this disturbing feeling and just want to say…
… … But that’s exactly how I feel every day (that I have to go outside)?…
And without any drinking.

Oh Kojima-san…

Coming out on the stage in gamescofm discussing how Norman Reedus’s dick can be used as a weapon and a tool to connect the fractured world.

Also,

he kind of went from being mysterious and showing stuff that was ambiguous and impossible to interpret, to showing and saying too much about spoilery character settings all at once.

And summer ‘vacation’ is gone.

With regards to the to do list, I’ve managed only the web page design update. Mostly.

Also, got back to OmmWriter in an attempt to rewrite the Prologue to the main ‘Chronicles’ series…and realised that, since it’s about to go over 10,000 words, I probably shouldn’t really be calling it just a ‘prologue’ anymore.

(Also, found out that I own at least 6 pairs of shoes I have never worn more than once…likely bought in a wrong size because I wasn’t able to handle being in the store. Trying to get rid of them using Merucari app now. In order to prevent the repeat of this in the future, I do believe I will now mostly only buy shoes using Amazon Wardrobe option (tried once, worked great). Because, apparently, unless we are talking about boots, I can spend 2 hours in a store trying on various shoes just, trying find a pair that will fit and won’t hurt (everything hurts), and still only get something in a wrong size and a skull-crushing and stomach-turning migraine from just being in the store…)