had an anxiety attack because I painted my nails.

Not even an anxiety inducing colour.

I don’t even guess anymore

Fun fact:
I’m too lazy to look up the exact ‘anti-smoking’ law that was passed recently, but
On the scale of our company (around 1800 people?), in accordance with it, all smoking areas on the premises will be removed before April of 2020, no smoking areas will be established going forward, and people won’t be allowed to smoke anywhere inside or outside the company (since you’re also not allowed to smoke on the street). Anywhere.

So, factually, smoking people will not have a single option to smoke since the moment they arrive at work until the moment they leave 9-10 hours (at least) later.

(including all kinds of electronic and vaping smoking devices)

I have a strong suspicion you won’t be allowed to smoke anywhere except inside your own house very soon in this country.

Every time I see a person on tv being portrayed as having a hangover—nursing a headache, wearing sunglasses, grimacing because everything is too bright and too noisy, and moving too fast is rewarded with spikes of nausea—I get this disturbing feeling and just want to say…
… … But that’s exactly how I feel every day (that I have to go outside)?…
And without any drinking.

Oh Kojima-san…

Coming out on the stage in gamescofm discussing how Norman Reedus’s dick can be used as a weapon and a tool to connect the fractured world.

Also,

he kind of went from being mysterious and showing stuff that was ambiguous and impossible to interpret, to showing and saying too much about spoilery character settings all at once.

And summer ‘vacation’ is gone.

With regards to the to do list, I’ve managed only the web page design update. Mostly.

Also, got back to OmmWriter in an attempt to rewrite the Prologue to the main ‘Chronicles’ series…and realised that, since it’s about to go over 10,000 words, I probably shouldn’t really be calling it just a ‘prologue’ anymore.

(Also, found out that I own at least 6 pairs of shoes I have never worn more than once…likely bought in a wrong size because I wasn’t able to handle being in the store. Trying to get rid of them using Merucari app now. In order to prevent the repeat of this in the future, I do believe I will now mostly only buy shoes using Amazon Wardrobe option (tried once, worked great). Because, apparently, unless we are talking about boots, I can spend 2 hours in a store trying on various shoes just, trying find a pair that will fit and won’t hurt (everything hurts), and still only get something in a wrong size and a skull-crushing and stomach-turning migraine from just being in the store…)

Once in a while I need to write these things out to force my mind to focus on them. As if to feel like writing/posting them will make them solid:

  • I need to change the layout of this site. I’ve even chosen what I want, just can’t figure out how to make it work. Which I should do now, because next time when I might have time won’t come around soon.

My writing projects currently feature:

  • Chronicles duology: over 160,000 words and about 30% done
  • Chronicles series: over 57,000 words and below 10% done
  • Shards and other ideas: 20,000 words over all
  • New SF standalone and contemporary standalone: both about 3000 words each, with first chapters and only plot notes done

My excuse is one and only – health. It’s been very difficult to write anything but shit when I only constantly feel like shit. But I do need to make some progress, to at least not feel like shit for failing at this as well.

The bad: Had to go to work in the middle of summer holidays, right on the next days after I got back from the airport in the evening.

The good: Managed to finish everything in 1 day, instead of 2.

The good: Didn’t have to turn on the lights in the office with no one else there and it was great. The best.

The bad: The people who passed by did believe it necessary to ask me if I just didn’t know how to turn them on.

I wonder if I’m getting worse with age, or is it just the constant exhaustion that makes my senses oversensitive, because I have no resources left for tolerance.

I don’t know which one is the worst one, sight or smell. The sound is the easiest to deal with, and touch is controllable once you find right clothing. Unfortunately, too much about smells and light is shared with other people, so they are very difficult to control, unless I stay locked in alone.

This time around I had to use such measures and carrying a lamp stand from the corner of the room into the bathroom, because there were 4 lights in there and I couldn’t turn them on/off separately. If there wasn’t a lamp I could bring in, I’d probably have to bathe in darkness or use my laptop as a source of light. I don’t understand why people think they need so much light for one tiny room. Or for any room…

I also had to waste money on buying 2 separate room aromas, Febrese, and bath bombs. For a hotel room I’m staying in for 3 nights. I don’t think I ever had to go as far before.

I was always against the idea that a book review should include a book summary. Want a summary? You can find on every page that sells the book and on the book itself. In a review, it’s a waste of space.

Anyone who read a book can write a summary. Tell me what you felt from reading it, only something you can do.

In addition to being against summaries in reviews, I also avoid reading them (the summaries) more and more overall. I skim at most (to see is there are any trigger words I’d want to avoid), and that only with new authors. On one hand, I’m getting more and more sensitive to spoilers, and have found out that I have much more fun reading a book when I don’t know what to expect; on the other, more often than not, a summary of a book have made me expect something else entirely, so I also want to avoid the unnecessary disappointment.

What then can I use to determine whether I want to buy a book or not, especially when I buy/read more than 20 of them a month?

Cover? Is a big factor. I also use the ‘genres’ and other tags that get listed on the Goodreads. The lists that the book appears in. The ‘similar books’ lists. Random mentions by other people.

While I love to pretend like I couldn’t be happier about escaping the chaos, the buzz, the heat, and the air pressure, and all the ‘too much’ things about the overcrowded megalopolis city I live and work in, the first thing I notice when I reach one of the small towns I like to go hide in, is that I have very little ability left to deal with little things about living and being outside without the anonymity the state of being one speck of sand in the overflowing sandbox that is Tokyo provides.

I’m making this about more than it is.

I just can’t really handle the difference in amount of human attention you draw just by existing in a small town, and the way that difference feels on my skin when I say, enter a cafe.

And the fact that there are no easy chain coffee shops where I can pop in, quickly buy a few giant cups to go and haul them back to my room to read and write in peace nowhere in the vicinity is throwing me more than it should.

I’m too used to have a selection of various coffee shops on every corner… And now I need to gather courage before I can enter a new kind of place.

In fact, I wonder if I even can discover a place where I can get a coffee to go at all around here at all…

I sometimes manage to stay away from television, news, and real world in general so well that when I catch a glimpse of it by chance I suddenly find out that parts of country are being washed away with level 4 (out of 5) evacuation alerts, a number of very prominent and very famous tv figures got in organised crime-related trouble (which in this country means a big reconstruction on the tv scene because they will need to replace big tv shows that were in the same spots for many years and people who everyone was used to seeing all the time), and that some of my favourite (and very talented) musicians were arrested.

Feels like this world is never going to convince that there might be a merit in not living like an ostrich.

Apparently today is day 201 of the year.

164 days are remaining in this year.

I’ve also read 165 books so far this year.

It’s Saturday and I only slept 3 hours. Don’t ask.

It never gets old.

The fact that I actually manage to work proofreading and editing (and translating) texts,

while in my everyday life I write ‘vase’ instead of ‘face’ in a sentence and have to read it at least three times to notice.

Caught (I wish I didn’t) ‘cast reveal’ posts for upcoming ‘Bridgerton’ series on the author’s instagram…(who, of course, also promptly had to disable comments for most of them).

I wanted to sigh, shake my head, think something in terms of ‘Well, it’s not like I really actually expected to be able to watch it anyway…’ and forget about the whole thing, but…

Unfortunately, I had been spiralling down the mental stability scale all day, and, instead, this little thing happened to be the ‘lust crumb’ that practically drove me to tears on the topic of ‘why this world has to be so idiotic and how am I supposed to live in it let me out‘, as I was falling asleep.


I started telling myself that it should be a well-known and accepted for me fact that I don’t watch (and hate) book ecranisations, so I shouldn’t have expected anything different. That, in fact, “Lord of the Rings” might be the only one I actually liked.
-> Which then led to the thought of ‘Yeahright, if they were filming it now, I bet half of hobbits would be played by actors from South America, Legolas would be played by a Chinese actor, and Arven or Eowyn (or both) by African-American women.’

I have absolutely nothing against racial diversity.

What I am against is stories and books losing their integrity. It matters.
Characters should be played by people who match what the characters were written to be.

When a white American actress plays Japanese character it is wrong and ugly.
When African actors plays a role of English Duke from early 1800s it is wrong and ugly.
When Chinese actors made to play Japanese people and speak in some broken resemblance of a language it is wrong and ugly.

When a character was written to be a person of a certain ethnicity and culture, and someone from a completely different ethnicity and culture is forced to play that character, like neither of their ethnicity and cultures even matter, it is just wrong and ugly. It just shouldn’t be.

(and complaining that there are no characters of colour in Soviet Ukraine in Chernobyl is simply idiotic. And ugly.)

The fact that, in this world, it’s fine and acceptable to say ‘A story about Georgian/Regency England? Who cares what ethnicity the actors are! Lets just bring whoever and appear be cool, inclusive, and progressive!!’ just burns my my mind like acid.

If you want to be ‘cool, inclusive, and progressive’, write a story that is written for a ethnically diverse cast of characters. Write more stories about characters from different ethnicity and make tv series based on them.
Stop ruining already existing stories.

And as someone who writes… I would sooner see all my works burn than let some tv producers decide that the integrity of my story world and characters don’t matter or mean anything. Racial diversity is important and all, but not where it’s there just to be, and stands against what the story is about.