Me: planning things to do on Saturday, what to watch, what to watch after that, clean while watching, take out the trash, maybe play some DSIII sometime before evening, try to write some more for that story I’ve been focusing on last couple of weeks…

Reality: read a random paragraph of a random book I picked up in the middle of cleaning, get and idea, sit down for 3 hours and write 3000 words for a completely new story I didn’t even see coming.

I have honestly lost count of the ‘new story sketches’ with main characters and setting outlined I have ‘saved for later’ in my Scrivener projects…

i.
I ordered a new couch.
(Which I wasn’t really planning to do right now, I only wanted to look around to see the selection, because my current couch, even though looks fine, has begin to hurt my back, but then I sat down on one particular couch in a store…and decided that that’s the kind of comfort I have to have at the end of every day…)
And now I have unreasonable emotions towards having to say goodbye to my old couch.
Apparently, it’s been my only friend since I moved here after graduating, it’s seen me through a lot of hell, and I’ll miss it.

ii.
One of the things about myself that bothers me the most, is my inability to talk about or praise something I actually like, other than saying something among the lines of ‘This good. I like. Try it.’, but then going on and on about something I don’t like and explaining why exactly I think it’s bad in much detail. I don’t think it’s a good quality to have.

All I could think by the end of the ‘A Star is Born’ is why didn’t we see someone blow that fking manager’s brains out by the end of the movie?

I already wanted to do it midway through the movie.

It really needed to be done.

I don’t like it.

The ever-growing number of wrong steps and panicked lunges in inappropriate directions can hardly come as any kind of surprise when the ground is constantly crumbling beneath your feet, biting on your heels.

And there’s nothing else.

No stop, no rest, no safe haven, no place to step back and breathe before taking a step.

Year, after year, after year.

And the point comes when making mistakes and wrongs is not the worst thing anymore, it’s not being able to stop caring about making them that is the absolute worst.

had an anxiety attack because I painted my nails.

Not even an anxiety inducing colour.

I don’t even guess anymore

And summer ‘vacation’ is gone.

With regards to the to do list, I’ve managed only the web page design update. Mostly.

Also, got back to OmmWriter in an attempt to rewrite the Prologue to the main ‘Chronicles’ series…and realised that, since it’s about to go over 10,000 words, I probably shouldn’t really be calling it just a ‘prologue’ anymore.

(Also, found out that I own at least 6 pairs of shoes I have never worn more than once…likely bought in a wrong size because I wasn’t able to handle being in the store. Trying to get rid of them using Merucari app now. In order to prevent the repeat of this in the future, I do believe I will now mostly only buy shoes using Amazon Wardrobe option (tried once, worked great). Because, apparently, unless we are talking about boots, I can spend 2 hours in a store trying on various shoes just, trying find a pair that will fit and won’t hurt (everything hurts), and still only get something in a wrong size and a skull-crushing and stomach-turning migraine from just being in the store…)

Once in a while I need to write these things out to force my mind to focus on them. As if to feel like writing/posting them will make them solid:

  • I need to change the layout of this site. I’ve even chosen what I want, just can’t figure out how to make it work. Which I should do now, because next time when I might have time won’t come around soon.

My writing projects currently feature:

  • Chronicles duology: over 160,000 words and about 30% done
  • Chronicles series: over 57,000 words and below 10% done
  • Shards and other ideas: 20,000 words over all
  • New SF standalone and contemporary standalone: both about 3000 words each, with first chapters and only plot notes done

My excuse is one and only – health. It’s been very difficult to write anything but shit when I only constantly feel like shit. But I do need to make some progress, to at least not feel like shit for failing at this as well.

The bad: Had to go to work in the middle of summer holidays, right on the next days after I got back from the airport in the evening.

The good: Managed to finish everything in 1 day, instead of 2.

The good: Didn’t have to turn on the lights in the office with no one else there and it was great. The best.

The bad: The people who passed by did believe it necessary to ask me if I just didn’t know how to turn them on.

I wonder if I’m getting worse with age, or is it just the constant exhaustion that makes my senses oversensitive, because I have no resources left for tolerance.

I don’t know which one is the worst one, sight or smell. The sound is the easiest to deal with, and touch is controllable once you find right clothing. Unfortunately, too much about smells and light is shared with other people, so they are very difficult to control, unless I stay locked in alone.

This time around I had to use such measures and carrying a lamp stand from the corner of the room into the bathroom, because there were 4 lights in there and I couldn’t turn them on/off separately. If there wasn’t a lamp I could bring in, I’d probably have to bathe in darkness or use my laptop as a source of light. I don’t understand why people think they need so much light for one tiny room. Or for any room…

I also had to waste money on buying 2 separate room aromas, Febrese, and bath bombs. For a hotel room I’m staying in for 3 nights. I don’t think I ever had to go as far before.