2kkeina

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exaggerated contrast between good and bad, some strength, some bravery, some love, some steel, and horses, and some beautiful free lands, preferably with some snow, is what I need to return my peace of mind
and balance
and writing

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I’ve been told before (I think, maybe) that people don’t like me for seeing black and white where I’m supposed to see ‘life’

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while I was blank-ing in front of the tv with a book…
there was a some kind of new ‘dating program’… which was about some famous people, choosing their ‘favorite type of face’ from a big catalog-like list of people of opposite sex who applied, than choosing the favorite hair style for them, dressing them up in favorite kind of clothes… and then meeting with them in the studio, and exchanging contact information if they liked each other… Probably. I’m not sure what’s it all about.

The reason why it made me put down my book for a while, is that, listening to people talk about what kind of face they like, what kind of eyes, what kind of hair style, clothes… in details, non-stop, I was automatically trying to imagine what I would do in their place, … and couldn’t.
I don’t think I ever had a desire to dress someone up like a doll for my own liking. Yes there styles that I find more attractive than others, but… Whenever I try to imagine, I get this… “draw back” feeling… that I can’t like someone I had to make, or something.
After 30 minutes of spacing out into the television trying to sort out my feelings about what I was seeing, I dropped the topic on the though that probably ‘being themselves and knowing who they are’, in other words originality, integrity… and how do you call it? completeness of the individuality? is a very important factor for me in liking someone… I guess I want to like someone for only who they are, not for what I, or someone else, made them into…

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tried on a last year’s coat
found 2 panda candies in one pocket,
and half pack of gum in the other
Put them back in, and put the coat back on the rack

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had the weirdest dream about different reincarnations of the same lovers (just the two of them, but the two from different ages) talking to each other (about fighting some sickness that run in the family and killed them young, over and over again) and feel like I wasn’t actually sleeping (more like tossing about for five hours), and like I saw through a dozen of their lives all at the same time…

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speaking of which,
I wonder if ever the age will come when american movie and drama companies will finally realise how ridiculous their ‘lets just get some chinese actors to act as native japanese people, asians are all the same anyway’ way of thought is actually is…
Even if we drop the painful language problems where ‘native speakers’ can never pronounce words right… the whole behavior patterns are completely backwards 98% of the time

and I really wish people would be a bit more afraid of looking stupid and ignorant when they make things that are seen by millions

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if you never tried to make Japanese delivery people take an extra 2 yen (0.02$) when they don’t have the change… you don’t know the definition of awkward…

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I suspect,
that because those people and things that break us and mess us up,
make us dark and twisty for all our lives, just appear in our lives randomly out of nowhere,
without any reason or warning,

believing in the balance of the universe,
we somewhere think that things and people that will heal or save us, also can appear out of nowhere one day.

Yet, the realism is understanding that the universe is not balanced, it’s just cruel

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It’s kind of difficult to focus on your ‘real life’, or the ‘awake’ life,
when you feel like you just lived a whole different one in your dream

and that’s how it’s on most of mornings

maybe that’s one of the reasons why I feel so much like a ghost all the time

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I find it interesting, that when my brain is tired it is much easier to create new languages than to remember any existing ones

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…「もうだめ」という限界の境の線に立ち
甘いもの食べて、目を閉じて一歩下がる
一週間に一回ライブでも行き、まだ数歩下がり…
「もうちょっとできる」というところまでたどり着く。
それは数日保ち、まだ繰り返す。
ギリ一週間ももたない時の方が多い