life

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I miss good anime.
You know, the one where people actually put their blood and love into hand-drawing every frame, without using the lousy 3D,
and fussed about every little detail in those frames, the colouring, the lighting and the soundtrack,
and cared about style, coolness, and about making a new ‘social phenomenon’…

I used to like it, but now if I watch any anime at all, I mostly only re-watch something old that I used to like a lot many years before…

Also, seeing people cry blood tears of disappointment and frustrated disbelief about the American re-make of Death Note (what else did they expect though?) I remembered the joy of watching Death Note anime for the first time in my life (and buying even the soundtrack) and realised I kind of miss it. That joy.

(I hope they didn’t import Eva on Netflix because they are planning to make an US-made live action for it… )

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can’t quite decide if I want to sleep 20 hours a day or to stay up all night
I also feel like I’m starving 30 mins after I eat, and then don’t want to eat anything, but still feel like I’m starving

Fascinating.
all I can say at this point

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I’m feeling like my writing impulses are validated by the fact that my grandfather is walking around telling weird stories all the time and can’t stop

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I want to escape from my thoughts into reading,

but I’m also already stressing out about the fact that I only brought 4 books with me to last me 2 weeks, none of them of the same series, and I’ve already almost finished one of them on the day 0 (on the plane).

And this is not a country where I could just go online and get the books I want delivered next day. They don’t even have Amazon here…

I also, apparently, choose stressing out and suffering without the books I want, to just buing them on my kindle. I just can’t make myself do it, even though I could just buy all the books of the series I want to continue reading right now, and it would be like 3 times cheaper than waiting before I return to Japan and order paper copies. This is so irrational I kind of want to smack myself, but feel like it still wouldn’t help.

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things that distress me on an airplane: smell; sleeping spread out in the aisle seat and not letting people out; putting things and extremities outside the space allocated to your seat; kicking my seat or jumping around and touching me in any way.

things that don’t distress me at all: reclining your seat towards mine; pets.

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me: I need a big dog. So it will protect me and walk me.
mother: don’t get a dog so it can perform the functions of a man 
me: no, I need a dog so I won’t need to ask a man to perform functions of a dog

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 I’m simply not stable enough to handle people who are not stable enough to handle the fact that I’m not stable
too many worlds colliding and it makes me sick from the very inside
all I want to do now is stare at walls full with dry tears or curl up somewhere and hide or escape to outer space

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It’s half of the problem when you feel like you’re still 16, when you haven’t been for many years already… and then there’s the half when you meet relatives who think you’re still 12 and give you a princess colouring book as a present.

… I really really didn’t know how to react.

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I can’t really be surprised by all the hate, when everyday I see the ‘majority’ of people being excited about and loving things filled with meaningless violence, gore, and hurt… (I’m not saying games/books/movies make people violent, I’m simply saying that perhaps when most of your acquaintances saying they are ‘in love with them’, it’s sort of a big fat warning sign… when you see them not question themselves why they enjoy watching violent and abusive things done to other beings.) But damn, sometimes it’s just hard to want to live in this world when you get your head out of the sand and look around once in a while. Personally, I had to learn 5 languages and travel to the other side of the globe, just to be able to see ‘more’ at all times, to see as many good sides as I can too. But damn. It’s hard. All this nasty stuff about humanity… is all too hard to unsee.

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I kind of remember that there were times, long long ago, when all you had to do to stop being a mess was to get tired of being one. I miss those times dearly.

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I don’t even feel alive if it’s not cold outside.

And feeling at least a little bit alive is a big deal for me these days (weeks, months, years…).

I’m not even too prideful to admit that I’m just so tired of all I fell into that state where, I really really just don’t have anything left in me to look for a solution and fight, a just sit from day to day and wait to see if someone’s gonna magically appear and take me out of this or if I’m going to end begore that happens.

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I have only 2 days left until my vacation.

And I thought I was fine. I thought I had a scheldule, a plan of things to not forget to do before I leave. I had an image of how to get through this week.

Now I have only 2 days left and out of nowhere I’m having humans-related groundless anxiety attacks multiple times a day, and don’t know how to survive these 2 days without going mad.

And I’m forgetting all the things I had to remember to do, and only grit my teeth praying for the time to pasd quicker and release me.

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there are days when I’m amazed by the modern technology and the ways in which it helps human lives
and I like having my phone that helps me find any information I need wherever I am and many other useful functions
and I love how technology allows me to reach anywhere in the world, and learn
there are even days when I wish for some even more amazing things in our life (like a faster way to travel to the other side of the world)

and yet, most of the time I kinda wish I could still live in a world with no smartphones, computer games (says one working with game development and publishing) and many other things that feel like they distract us from things that should matter more