life

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when I laugh a little too much at myself entering ‘men’ where I was trying to type ‘pen’ into the search bar of an online shop…

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I must say, it is quite nice to squeeze some garlic into some nice olive oil and enjoy some homemade bread with it while reading to your heart’s content,
without being judged

I also must also say, I myself have no idea why I don’t really do this when I’m in my own place then

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すごい久しぶりに…あの人の夢を見た
あの人がでてくる、長くて、鮮明な夢を見た
仕事で来たあの人は、「帰りたくない」と言う
ここで心地いい、と、私に言う
私のところで心地いい、と

不意だった…
なんの前兆もなかったし、
昨日、なにも…　呼び出せるようなもの見なかったはずだし
お腹が痛い
心が痛い

起きてから2時間経つ
涙溢れてきた

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I used to love walking around Kita-aoyama and omotesando tiny back streets, when the weather is right. There are not many people around (if you don’t go to the main street or don’t cross into harajuku side) and there are tons of amusing shops and boutiques (like the store that sells old wooden chairs, or handmade imported leather notebooks, or amber accessories of all kinds)…
That day I found paper and custom card printing shop and ordered half-serious ‘business cards’, just because. I hardly ever got chance to use them thought.

 

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sometimes all your survival instincts tell you it’s time to send SOS
but then, sometime there’s just no place to send it.

Because, again, you have your survival instincts and numerous experiences to know, that there’s probably nothing worse then sending SOS into the air and having it attract vultures and not help that you need.
No matter how much you want to believe in good and miracles,
if you are in the place when you can’t fend off any more vultures or don’t even have stability enough to ignore them,
you can’t really ‘believe in better and risk it’ anymore.
Not anymore.

Also, because, what was meant as an SOS call for one, often gets completely misunderstood by others who heard it by chance as well, even if they had no intentions of being vultures in their life, they can become it for someone just by not understanding and acting on what is a ‘normal way’ for them.

Plus most people never bother trying to see things from everyone’s perspective, and then again, most of those who did bother at some time, stop because they realise no one ever bothers to see things from their perspective.

Because it is a very difficult thing to speak to someone actually speaking to that person, and not to some circumstances of your life represented by them.

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I have a feeling irony is when you can speak 5 languages or so, but still manage to be largely misunderstood by people regardless of the language

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I’m being overly honest about things, in a way that might just screw me over in the near future in ways I can’t really afford.

I’m setting myself up for a rejection that might just kill me, because I’m afraid of many many things, but dying, metaphorically or not so much, perhaps never really was one of them.

I’m daring them to show me there can be a different outcome, because I never liked that Einstein’s definition of insanity, and still want to believe that if you do the right thing it will eventually get you the right response. Even if not the first dozen times.

It’s like a screwy kind of trust exercise, when I give people the knife, stand on the edge and tell myself there still might be a chance that they won’t do it. While kinda wanting to see the (after)world when they do.

 

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It is hard to write.
Because most of the time, I don’t even know what language I’m thinking in. Because, sometimes, when I try to sit down to write, the ideas and things I want to say pour out in the wrong language and I can’t translate them because not all things are inter-translatable, many things in different languages just exist in different dimensions. Because, most of the time, again, I need to fight the feeling of guilt, because part of my consciousness tells me that right now I’m in a place where I need to be looking at things that are more real and material, as there is not much time left until last piece of land I’m standing on disappears under my feet. And spend the time I try to spend writing, studying or working, cleaning, healing…
But, it seems, Alfred Kazin has said once that, “One writes to make home for oneself, on paper.”
and ohgod I need that home right now. Any kind of home

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Brain is a powerful thing.
When you can’t stop thinking about something,
or going in your mind through
some bad things, or having an anxiety disorder,
your body often lives through
and experiences things that are not actually happening.
Things like losing someone, or losing everything.