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The word ‘jade’ puzzles me today…
it’s either associated with mineral, gemstone, colour green…
or a worn-out, broken-down, worthless, or vicious horse…
or a disreputable or ill-tempered woman

(P.S  it puzzles me because I have a feeling I saw it being someone’s name and don’t know what to think about that)

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From 2015:

I just remembered.

I saw a great movie in my dream today again, (and oh god I can’t recall it fully now, of course, I wish I could) but I remember that it was great because when I still remembered it I told myself to remember that it was great.

Well, lets start chronologically –
I was seeing the last part of it when I was already in half-surfaced state–the dream-movie was still very vivid and detailed, but I was aware of myself sleeping and I was also aware of myself laughing in my sleep (and thinking in the back of my mind whether people supposed to actually laugh in their sleep), and the more I was thinking the closer to being awake I shifted, and then my dvd player in living room made some weird noise that really sounded like person snoring and I was torn away form my movie… startled and disappointed because it really was fun.
I then reached to my laptop (I happened to leave on the other side of the bed after writing late last night), and with only half of one eye open, tried to type some notes I could remember about the dream.

I just looked at that file and let me just copy it here while preserving all the ‘punctuation’ and ‘spelling’ exactly:

@�【”Scientist, ig brain hear tbrai (has fever ) rin on the chain on the neck – Cumber
Alling yourself with stars to trunsfer yorself as a power into any information sys
Somimes sendin one person( by sweeping jesture) sent all near ones (strongmen playing guitar on wifes birthday )”】

Now I’d love to know what did I mean.

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I do often feel that if I could just sit down and write, it could just save my life, but … my head is such a mess more often than not that simply can’t bring myself to even put things into words.

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I’m being overly honest about things, in a way that might just screw me over in the near future in ways I can’t really afford.

I’m setting myself up for a rejection that might just kill me, because I’m afraid of many many things, but dying, metaphorically or not so much, perhaps never really was one of them.

I’m daring them to show me there can be a different outcome, because I never liked that Einstein’s definition of insanity, and still want to believe that if you do the right thing it will eventually get you the right response. Even if not the first dozen times.

It’s like a screwy kind of trust exercise, when I give people the knife, stand on the edge and tell myself there still might be a chance that they won’t do it. While kinda wanting to see the (after)world when they do.

 

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Тот, кого считают сильным,
Знает: сильных не жалеют.
Дескать, жалость унижает,
Дескать, жалость ни к чему.
Сильному наградой – сила,
И осенние аллеи,
И еще… А в прочем, хватит.
Слишком много одному.
Те, кому наградой – сила,
По привычке зубы сжали,
По привычке смотрят прямо
На любой пристрастный суд.
Слабым – вдвое тяжелее –
Им нести чужую жалость,
И еще… А впрочем, хватит.
Слабые не донесут.
(с) Г.Л.Олди

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On flirting:
“It brings out in me the most profound feelings of anxiety and exasperation. I was not raised to subtlety.
Why do people have to make such fuss about something so simple?
I say, “Talk to me. Tell me who you are, what you want, what you’ve never had, the story you’ve always been afraid to tell.””

“Two or Three Things I Know for Sure” by Dorothy Allison

“Two or three things I know for sure, and one of them is that no one is as hard as my uncles had to pretend to be.”

ello-optimized-32606342

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It is hard to write.
Because most of the time, I don’t even know what language I’m thinking in. Because, sometimes, when I try to sit down to write, the ideas and things I want to say pour out in the wrong language and I can’t translate them because not all things are inter-translatable, many things in different languages just exist in different dimensions. Because, most of the time, again, I need to fight the feeling of guilt, because part of my consciousness tells me that right now I’m in a place where I need to be looking at things that are more real and material, as there is not much time left until last piece of land I’m standing on disappears under my feet. And spend the time I try to spend writing, studying or working, cleaning, healing…
But, it seems, Alfred Kazin has said once that, “One writes to make home for oneself, on paper.”
and ohgod I need that home right now. Any kind of home

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Brain is a powerful thing.
When you can’t stop thinking about something,
or going in your mind through
some bad things, or having an anxiety disorder,
your body often lives through
and experiences things that are not actually happening.
Things like losing someone, or losing everything.

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From Christmas 2015

“I’ve been often told that I look like I ‘don’t feel’.
Which is not hard to believe, considering my genes and childhood and so on, well, lets just say it’s plausible. And it always hurts me, and it felt lonely when people can’t see through that. Recently, because of the times when depression was getting worse, I had a new thought, that I might have taught myself not to act on what I feel all by myself, because I was scared of the things I was feeling. But while holding myself back from expressing, showing, reacting on certain feelings, I ended up unable to express all of them. Well, I didn’t have many humans around to ‘learn’ normal human expressions from anyway… there are just too many reasons-excuses
Sometimes, it feels like something from movies, like kind of ‘out-of-body experience’, when I feel myself about to do something, can almost see myself doing it, but in reality just sit there staring in one place or keep walking automatically, if I was walking.

Not a very christmasy post. As I keep waking up at 5am and now just sit in silence, looking at the presents, and thinking that I don’t really feel like opening them. I don’t really know how to react. I wish I could remember being a kid and looking forward to getting something…

I always choose to pretend that I’m ok and alright, as it is what I was taught to do since I was little, and since it seems less tiring than trying to act like I actually feel, especially around holidays and people I’m not close to. And then I get told ‘I though I heard she was sad and depressed… but she looks and talks just fine. Why is everyone pretending to be worse than they are these days :/”, and keep feeling how weird is the fact, that even though I act like I don’t want people to see how I actually feel, but then still feel hurt if they don’t. I mean, it hurts me being told stuff like that, but still it’s not like I would choose to argue or make them see.

I started writing this long post to distract and stop myself from going outside to watch the sunrise, as I felt like I was about to do so, even though I just washed my hair, and ‘going outside to freeze and get sick’ is not something I should do, but sometimes the worst and stupidest things sound too tempting and it’s just getting harder to catch them before they take form.
I’m fine. The sky is beautiful. And I’m fine.”

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血を吐きそうなぐらい淋しくても
誰でも良いから、ということにはならない

だが、時間と場所、次々と流れて、去って行く…のが悲しい。どうしようもなく

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” …compulsive mobility of 20th century life as a measure of social and moral instability. Freedom of movement is interpreted as the curse of movement — an inability to remain still, to come to rest, to be anchored.”