From Christmas 2015
“I’ve been often told that I look like I ‘don’t feel’.
Which is not hard to believe, considering my genes and childhood and so on, well, lets just say it’s plausible. And it always hurts me, and it felt lonely when people can’t see through that. Recently, because of the times when depression was getting worse, I had a new thought, that I might have taught myself not to act on what I feel all by myself, because I was scared of the things I was feeling. But while holding myself back from expressing, showing, reacting on certain feelings, I ended up unable to express all of them. Well, I didn’t have many humans around to ‘learn’ normal human expressions from anyway… there are just too many reasons-excuses
Sometimes, it feels like something from movies, like kind of ‘out-of-body experience’, when I feel myself about to do something, can almost see myself doing it, but in reality just sit there staring in one place or keep walking automatically, if I was walking.
Not a very christmasy post. As I keep waking up at 5am and now just sit in silence, looking at the presents, and thinking that I don’t really feel like opening them. I don’t really know how to react. I wish I could remember being a kid and looking forward to getting something…
I always choose to pretend that I’m ok and alright, as it is what I was taught to do since I was little, and since it seems less tiring than trying to act like I actually feel, especially around holidays and people I’m not close to. And then I get told ‘I though I heard she was sad and depressed… but she looks and talks just fine. Why is everyone pretending to be worse than they are these days :/”, and keep feeling how weird is the fact, that even though I act like I don’t want people to see how I actually feel, but then still feel hurt if they don’t. I mean, it hurts me being told stuff like that, but still it’s not like I would choose to argue or make them see.
I started writing this long post to distract and stop myself from going outside to watch the sunrise, as I felt like I was about to do so, even though I just washed my hair, and ‘going outside to freeze and get sick’ is not something I should do, but sometimes the worst and stupidest things sound too tempting and it’s just getting harder to catch them before they take form.
I’m fine. The sky is beautiful. And I’m fine.”