Brain is a powerful thing.
When you can’t stop thinking about something,
or going in your mind through
some bad things, or having an anxiety disorder,
your body often lives through
and experiences things that are not actually happening.
Things like losing someone, or losing everything.

From Christmas 2015

“I’ve been often told that I look like I ‘don’t feel’.
Which is not hard to believe, considering my genes and childhood and so on, well, lets just say it’s plausible. And it always hurts me, and it felt lonely when people can’t see through that. Recently, because of the times when depression was getting worse, I had a new thought, that I might have taught myself not to act on what I feel all by myself, because I was scared of the things I was feeling. But while holding myself back from expressing, showing, reacting on certain feelings, I ended up unable to express all of them. Well, I didn’t have many humans around to ‘learn’ normal human expressions from anyway… there are just too many reasons-excuses
Sometimes, it feels like something from movies, like kind of ‘out-of-body experience’, when I feel myself about to do something, can almost see myself doing it, but in reality just sit there staring in one place or keep walking automatically, if I was walking.

Not a very christmasy post. As I keep waking up at 5am and now just sit in silence, looking at the presents, and thinking that I don’t really feel like opening them. I don’t really know how to react. I wish I could remember being a kid and looking forward to getting something…

I always choose to pretend that I’m ok and alright, as it is what I was taught to do since I was little, and since it seems less tiring than trying to act like I actually feel, especially around holidays and people I’m not close to. And then I get told ‘I though I heard she was sad and depressed… but she looks and talks just fine. Why is everyone pretending to be worse than they are these days :/”, and keep feeling how weird is the fact, that even though I act like I don’t want people to see how I actually feel, but then still feel hurt if they don’t. I mean, it hurts me being told stuff like that, but still it’s not like I would choose to argue or make them see.

I started writing this long post to distract and stop myself from going outside to watch the sunrise, as I felt like I was about to do so, even though I just washed my hair, and ‘going outside to freeze and get sick’ is not something I should do, but sometimes the worst and stupidest things sound too tempting and it’s just getting harder to catch them before they take form.
I’m fine. The sky is beautiful. And I’m fine.”

I don’t usually have any memories about my childhood,
but some things come and go now and then.
As it did just now.
I remembered that there were a lot of blackouts, in place where we lived back then. And I never realised that a blackout can be such a nostalgic thing.
I almost wish they would still happen from time to time.
I’d like to experience that feeling of enforced silence and darkness, when all you can do is read in candlelight.
And nothing moves, and sky outside doesn’t have that disgusting orange of street lights reflecting in it, no machine made sound or lights or waves that keep bothering you…
candles, blankets, fireplace, and people realising that they do have things to talk about…

また底に落ちた。井戸の底。
理由は解らない
梅雨なのか生理なのか、
もっとなんかあるのか。
いつからか、
もわからない。
さっきまで通に考えて動いていたのに、
ある時に気づいたら、もう、ソコにいる。
現実と地上から遠くて、暗くて、狭い井戸の底だ。
考えを行動と繋がる糸が切れた。
「あぁ…」と、時計を見て、「30分で出ないといけない」
と、さっき風呂からでて、まだタオルを頭に巻いている状態。
通常でも、この状態からだと、身支度には、
少なくとも一時間ぐらいはかかる、でも…
「やばい…急がないと…」と思っても、体は動かない。
動いても、違うことをする。
「体が苦しい…なんとか食べないと…」
思ってもすぐ忘れてしまい
頭が重い。
一回瞬きしたら、三時間すぎた。
大好きなお祖父さんの７５歳の誕生日
に電話さえできない
自分が許せない。大嫌い。
でも、そういった怒り、
悲しみと苦しみはもう、届かない。
また、ソコには、
感じるのは頭痛だけ。