2kkeina

on

sometimes you just catch a glimpse of something unexpectedly
like an old photograph. or maybe a video
and then you sit there, feeling a giant hole start burning through your chest
slowly at first, like a hot iron later
and then you swallow it down,
and your head stats hurting next, and your eyes burn,
and then you want either start clawing at it or break your own fingers.

people say they find comfort in the world turning. in a new day rising

I don’t.
…

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sometimes when I write and brainstorm, I write a mixed-language word down somewhere in the middle of a sentence, and later look at it and have no idea whatsoever what it was supposed to be or mean

and by ‘sometimes’ I mean too often for my comfort

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when I laugh a little too much at myself entering ‘men’ where I was trying to type ‘pen’ into the search bar of an online shop…

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I must say, it is quite nice to squeeze some garlic into some nice olive oil and enjoy some homemade bread with it while reading to your heart’s content,
without being judged

I also must also say, I myself have no idea why I don’t really do this when I’m in my own place then

on

the feeling I have in my head right now
is that there are writing thoughts,
wriggling their tails and peeking out their heads,
I can feel them there, but I can’t reach to them
because there’s a brick laying on top of them
and my eyes burn from inside from its weight

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Writing fanfiction is like borrowing someone else’s stage and props.
I’m saying something obvious.
But still, I think it is the biggest reason for why it is so much easier then writing your own thing.

Because, when you write a fanfic, it feels like you can stand in the world that already exists on its own and just describe what you see. You may of course move the figures-actors in your own way, or add the new ones, or mix the world with something else. But still, whatever you do, it plays out on the already existing stage, with engine well oiled and running.
Whereas, when you write your own, it feels like something in between writing a programming code or building a machine from 0 without a manual… you try, and change it, and re-arrange it, and add piece by piece, hoping that one day it will move… because it needs to work, before you can actually stand comfortably and see your story play itself out in it.

Maybe it’s easier if you chose to base it in your everyday world

For me this is the hardest thing, to make what I see work when put in words.

on

すごい久しぶりに…あの人の夢を見た
あの人がでてくる、長くて、鮮明な夢を見た
仕事で来たあの人は、「帰りたくない」と言う
ここで心地いい、と、私に言う
私のところで心地いい、と

不意だった…
なんの前兆もなかったし、
昨日、なにも…　呼び出せるようなもの見なかったはずだし
お腹が痛い
心が痛い

起きてから2時間経つ
涙溢れてきた

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I used to love walking around Kita-aoyama and omotesando tiny back streets, when the weather is right. There are not many people around (if you don’t go to the main street or don’t cross into harajuku side) and there are tons of amusing shops and boutiques (like the store that sells old wooden chairs, or handmade imported leather notebooks, or amber accessories of all kinds)…
That day I found paper and custom card printing shop and ordered half-serious ‘business cards’, just because. I hardly ever got chance to use them thought.

 

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All the serious writing stops the moment when instead the intended “You’re too perceptive for your own good”, my hands conspire with autocorrect and I leave
“You’re too perceptive for your own goose” on the page.
And then I re-read it and imagine it.

on

sometimes all your survival instincts tell you it’s time to send SOS
but then, sometime there’s just no place to send it.

Because, again, you have your survival instincts and numerous experiences to know, that there’s probably nothing worse then sending SOS into the air and having it attract vultures and not help that you need.
No matter how much you want to believe in good and miracles,
if you are in the place when you can’t fend off any more vultures or don’t even have stability enough to ignore them,
you can’t really ‘believe in better and risk it’ anymore.
Not anymore.

Also, because, what was meant as an SOS call for one, often gets completely misunderstood by others who heard it by chance as well, even if they had no intentions of being vultures in their life, they can become it for someone just by not understanding and acting on what is a ‘normal way’ for them.

Plus most people never bother trying to see things from everyone’s perspective, and then again, most of those who did bother at some time, stop because they realise no one ever bothers to see things from their perspective.

Because it is a very difficult thing to speak to someone actually speaking to that person, and not to some circumstances of your life represented by them.