2kkeina

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Rhapsodic (The Bargainer, #1)

Rhapsodic by Laura Thalassa

My rating: 3 of 5 stars


Heh… I was ready to give this book 4 stars, call it ‘a comfort book you read to get your mind away from your shit’, rant a little about its main character, and leave it at that… Until the very last chapters. The ending, unfortunately, made me take off at least 0.5 more stars and gave me a whole another topic to rant on.
First of all, this book is still a ‘comfort book’ (like comfort food), where instead of a fairy god mother you get a handsome fae king with tattoos and rock band t-shirts to save you from your horrors and take you to a ball (and I’m sure many would prefer it this way). The only negative thing I can say about the character of Bargainer is that his ‘bad side’ was not entirely realistic, developed, or believable. From all the things he says and does, nothing really screams ‘dangerous and ruthless asshole’ other than the main character’s insistence that he is. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Even though I’m not really a fan of fairies and wouldn’t say that his ‘type’ is a one I personally would usually be attracted too (except for the fashion), the Bargainer is easy to understand, like, and emphasize with.
The main character, however, is another story all together. Unfortunately, she does not escape the curse of female characters of romance literature you just want to throttle for her behavior from time to time. She is not the worst case, and is still tolerable, I can give you that, but with the progression of the story it becomes increasingly difficult to find anything to like about her, or any reason the Bargainer would like her this much. Except for the fact that she’s supposed to be very pretty… Which is just… no. She is a coward unless she uses her supernatural powers, she is self-centered, manipulative, and can’t make up her mind and refuses to listen or understand the man she claims she loves. It actually feels pretty strange, because, as readers, we see everything through her POV, but she sort of acts as a mindless conductor a lot of time, passing on the things that make a lot of things very clear to us readers, while she herself acts like she sees and hears them, but refuses to comprehend any of their meanings. It get’s rather frustrating to read their interactions with the Bargainer where he is making his intentions pretty clear all along, and she keeps to her song of ‘he never liked me and he will be cruel, and I shouldn’t like him’ that makes absolutely 0 sense.
What really got me, is the part where the whole ‘twist’ (if we can even call it that, because it’s actually very strange and confusing, and I don’t really get why we needed it) is revealed, and she is so focused on her feelings she doesn’t even bother to apologize for all the shit she did and for her behavior. She’s just too happy for herself to think about how the other party feels. In general, it feels like the main character never really bothers to actually listen to her ‘partner’ and try to see things from his point of view, she is always too busy caring only about herself… and it doesn’t feel nice at all.
Speaking of making 0 sense, there is the whole ‘main villain’ story part. While I’m aware that there’s probably more explanation in the following books, at the moment my impression is that the whole story line was pulled out of nowhere and flushed down the toiled.
a) It makes absolutely no sense that it was going on for so many years on the scale that it was supposedly going on and no one managed to uncover or stop it;
b) We are pretty much told that the Bargainer should have realized exactly who was behind the whole thing the very first time he brought the main character to his world – which brings us to c) it makes absolutely no sense that it took him so much time to find them since she actually told him how the man looked and he said he recognized him all that time ago. Also, since he was supposed to be able to trace her location using the beads. There are more things that make very little sense about it, but I don’t really want to go into details and spoilers.
The whole ending sequence just felt random, confusing, and unbelievable… unfortunately.

Another negative point that I can’t help but mention is that the only two other real characters (the best friend and the ex-boyfriend) were treated terribly, and until the very last time they both make appearances were nothing but annoying nuisances written in a rather unpleasant light. Very much like with the Bargainer’s background, we get nothing but tiny vague hints about them, and no real character development. Which, I guess, sort of makes sense if we take into account the fact that we see the world through a main character who isn’t really interested in anyone but herself…

I’m planning to read the sequel once I get it, and I’m hoping to see a number of things there: to get more deeper information and more developed background story for the Bargainer, not just vague hints; less selfishness from the main character; a resolution to the ‘villain plot line’ that will actually make sense; some other actually properly developed characters that don’d add angst; less confusion and needless angst in general.



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It’s half of the problem when you feel like you’re still 16, when you haven’t been for many years already… and then there’s the half when you meet relatives who think you’re still 12 and give you a princess colouring book as a present.

… I really really didn’t know how to react.

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I can’t really be surprised by all the hate, when everyday I see the ‘majority’ of people being excited about and loving things filled with meaningless violence, gore, and hurt… (I’m not saying games/books/movies make people violent, I’m simply saying that perhaps when most of your acquaintances saying they are ‘in love with them’, it’s sort of a big fat warning sign… when you see them not question themselves why they enjoy watching violent and abusive things done to other beings.) But damn, sometimes it’s just hard to want to live in this world when you get your head out of the sand and look around once in a while. Personally, I had to learn 5 languages and travel to the other side of the globe, just to be able to see ‘more’ at all times, to see as many good sides as I can too. But damn. It’s hard. All this nasty stuff about humanity… is all too hard to unsee.

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I kind of remember that there were times, long long ago, when all you had to do to stop being a mess was to get tired of being one. I miss those times dearly.

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I don’t even feel alive if it’s not cold outside.

And feeling at least a little bit alive is a big deal for me these days (weeks, months, years…).

I’m not even too prideful to admit that I’m just so tired of all I fell into that state where, I really really just don’t have anything left in me to look for a solution and fight, a just sit from day to day and wait to see if someone’s gonna magically appear and take me out of this or if I’m going to end begore that happens.

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And I thought I was fine. I thought I had a scheldule, a plan of things to not forget to do before I leave. I had an image of how to get through this week.

Now I have only 2 days left and out of nowhere I’m having humans-related groundless anxiety attacks multiple times a day, and don’t know how to survive these 2 days without going mad.

And I’m forgetting all the things I had to remember to do, and only grit my teeth praying for the time to pasd quicker and release me.

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when I miss dead people very much, I steal them and write them into my book
though secretly, so that hardly anyone but me can tell who they are
and yet, I then have them. And they live in my world.

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there are days when I’m amazed by the modern technology and the ways in which it helps human lives
and I like having my phone that helps me find any information I need wherever I am and many other useful functions
and I love how technology allows me to reach anywhere in the world, and learn
there are even days when I wish for some even more amazing things in our life (like a faster way to travel to the other side of the world)

and yet, most of the time I kinda wish I could still live in a world with no smartphones, computer games (says one working with game development and publishing) and many other things that feel like they distract us from things that should matter more

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People keep telling me how they would never have guessed there’s something ‘not right’ with me, because to them I seem spirited, cheerful, laughing a lot…
What I can’t really explain to them that laughing is my coping mechanism numero uno. That I was brought up in an environment where showing weakness meant pain and humiliation, and that I am known for walking around normally and smiling, with an injured knee and an intestinal obstruction at the same time (after I was laying down on the floor in bathroom 5 mins ago). That my ‘problems’ and chronic stress don’t mean that I am going act all weird when talking to people. In fact, as for many females with ASD, it means exactly the opposite. It means that my body will use every ounce of energy I can squeeze out of myself to appear as normal as I can, and that I likely will talk to them with no memorable for them problems, but then when I leave, or come home, I will feel like my mind is full of acid and will try to hurl it out, even though it is not in my stomach. I will obsessively and uncontrollably replay every second of every conversation in my head over and over, thinking of all things I shouldn’t have said, should’ve said but didn’t, could’ve said differently… and stressing out about every word. Until I can’t sleep. Until I crawl up the walls and want to dig my eyes out. And how I can’t control it, how the only way I can survive it right now is to hide it so deep inside I won’t be able to act on any of my impulses, which means stopping moving at all. And how it prevents me from doing anything else I should or want to be doing, because I have to spend hours sitting in one place waiting for a storm to pass more than half of days I had to go outside. 

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Work conversation: (the ‘Ishityounot’ series)

Me: rummaging through the cupboard with past products
Co-worker: passing behind me Good morning. What’re you looking for?
Me: Sex.

(descriptors for)

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One of my worst ‘diggin’ your own grave’ writing habits is the one where when I need to write something now, I write it in a hundred different places and then just forget about it. 
I remember reading Joan Didion saying that she was the type to carry a notebook for these purposes, while her husband carried writing cards. 
I have a notebook. I have a notebook for writing and then I have a schedule book where I also end up writing ‘writing things’ when the other one is not right under my hand. And then there’s a notebook that was supposed to be only for work things. And then I also write on the backs of old work documents, napkins and random scraps of papers. 
What’s worse, is that even if I have a computer under my hands, I can’t be logical and consistent about it, and write in a various places in Scrivener, Ommwriter, typwrittr, something else… and then save it on a dozen of tiny documents I forget exist. And it’s not like I’m doing it on purpose. I’m a child of chaos and when I need to write something I have no time to think about it. And afterwords I either deflate or need to run to do something else.

Why am I complaining about this now? That’s because the worst part about this is when I vaguely remember writing some scene… and have absolutely no friggin idea where did I actually write… And I need it.

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Sometimes I get so carried away making up fictional languages I spend hours trying to straight out things like gender and quantity related verb forms (and prefixes/suffixes).