had the weirdest dream about different reincarnations of the same lovers (just the two of them, but the two from different ages) talking to each other (about fighting some sickness that run in the family and killed them young, over and over again) and feel like I wasn’t actually sleeping (more like tossing about for five hours), and like I saw through a dozen of their lives all at the same time…
writing
when I think ‘mayor’ and spell ‘mare’
the story takes an interesting turn
I find it interesting, that when my brain is tired it is much easier to create new languages than to remember any existing ones
Schriftstellerin
female writer in German
I give up on reading good books more often than I’d like to admit.
Because some more pain is not what I’m looking for in life right now.
I also prefer books that try to give and create things that our world is missing. The good kind.
Not focus and show us the worst things that do exist or can exist in our world.
I’m sure there are people who wouldn’t know that they existed if they didn’t read about them, and that’s why those kind of books should exist, but…
…there is just never enough good, and too much of negativity and people are not focusing on the right things.
Japanese WOWOW channels have been marathoning Die Hard moves a couple of times recently, and then GB website had a discussion about ranking them, and even thought it’s nowhere close to Christmas, watching first two Die Hard movies always gives me these flashbacks to one specific childhood memory.
Of one New Year’s Eve, when Die Hard (I think the 2nd one) was on TV while we were getting ready to go to a club where people from my father’s company were going to be celebrating it.
I should probably mention that for the culture back there, New Years is sort of like Christmas and New Years combined. It’s the end of the old year, beginning of something new, the night when the Santa Clause equivalent is supposed to come, but I don’t know how he manages, because it’s also the night when most people stay awake almost until morning, because most of the fun stuff on TV begins after midnight. You supposed to clean in the day, to make your home pretty for the new year, and then make yourself pretty too, and gather around a table with your family, watch the same movie on the TV every year and the special TV programs, set fireworks, go to sleep somewhere between 3-5am, then wake up in the morning before everyone else and go find presents under the decorated tree.
I’m aware that it sounds like a mixture of other cultures’ traditions mixed in one day.
But it still somehow smelled of magic. No matter what.
But that was probably the first year when someone told my father that celebrating with family was lame.
I was 10, I think. I was also the only child among drunk and not-so-drunk adults there, in the place that was usually and adult kind of night club. (Not the young people dancing kind, but the rich people getting drunk and loud kind, less dance-floors and more tables-and-stages.) I don’t really know why I was there to begin with though, and hardly have any memories of what I did there anyway. Probably ate something, sat on my own or wandered around, watched and listened to what adults were doing, as usual. My mother had to ship me out of there right after everyone said Happy New Year, to my grandparents’, because the club had a strip show scheduled after midnight.
The club was actually not far from my grandparent’s place, and I don’t really remember if we walked, or if there were still taxis around, but I do remember my mother’s heavy face, because she really wished she could escape the whole thing too and stay with us, but she had to go back and play her role.
What I also remember, is falling asleep in my grandparents’ bedroom, with lights, music, and occasional fireworks still loud outside, echoing on the city’s main square right outside the window above my head, holding on to the string of a helium balloon I got in that club and brought back with myself. Feeling empty and floating, exactly like that balloon.
「客がいてもいなくても、同じライブができる」、同じものを作れる、と言える人が好き。
もてたいとかじゃなくて、これが売れそうだからじゃなくて、ファンが喜びそうから、じゃなくて… 自分自信の為に自分を表現する人が好き。
作家もそうだけど。売れるからじゃなくて、今、これは自分の為に書かなければならないから、書く…という人が好き。

Heaving the right book with me, helped me through every one of those times
when I felt it was far too much to go through by myself,
when I would have given up otherwise.
And that is the bigger part of the reason why I still try to write.
Despite every contravention.
I put commas in very strange places and then find them in very strange places
sometimes when I write and brainstorm, I write a mixed-language word down somewhere in the middle of a sentence, and later look at it and have no idea whatsoever what it was supposed to be or mean
and by ‘sometimes’ I mean too often for my comfort
the feeling I have in my head right now
is that there are writing thoughts,
wriggling their tails and peeking out their heads,
I can feel them there, but I can’t reach to them
because there’s a brick laying on top of them
and my eyes burn from inside from its weight
Writing fanfiction is like borrowing someone else’s stage and props.
I’m saying something obvious.
But still, I think it is the biggest reason for why it is so much easier then writing your own thing.
Because, when you write a fanfic, it feels like you can stand in the world that already exists on its own and just describe what you see. You may of course move the figures-actors in your own way, or add the new ones, or mix the world with something else. But still, whatever you do, it plays out on the already existing stage, with engine well oiled and running.
Whereas, when you write your own, it feels like something in between writing a programming code or building a machine from 0 without a manual… you try, and change it, and re-arrange it, and add piece by piece, hoping that one day it will move… because it needs to work, before you can actually stand comfortably and see your story play itself out in it.
Maybe it’s easier if you chose to base it in your everyday world
For me this is the hardest thing, to make what I see work when put in words.
All the serious writing stops the moment when instead the intended “You’re too perceptive for your own good”, my hands conspire with autocorrect and I leave
“You’re too perceptive for your own goose” on the page.
And then I re-read it and imagine it.
From 2015:
I just remembered.
I saw a great movie in my dream today again, (and oh god I can’t recall it fully now, of course, I wish I could) but I remember that it was great because when I still remembered it I told myself to remember that it was great.
Well, lets start chronologically –
I was seeing the last part of it when I was already in half-surfaced state–the dream-movie was still very vivid and detailed, but I was aware of myself sleeping and I was also aware of myself laughing in my sleep (and thinking in the back of my mind whether people supposed to actually laugh in their sleep), and the more I was thinking the closer to being awake I shifted, and then my dvd player in living room made some weird noise that really sounded like person snoring and I was torn away form my movie… startled and disappointed because it really was fun.
I then reached to my laptop (I happened to leave on the other side of the bed after writing late last night), and with only half of one eye open, tried to type some notes I could remember about the dream.
I just looked at that file and let me just copy it here while preserving all the ‘punctuation’ and ‘spelling’ exactly:
@�【”Scientist, ig brain hear tbrai (has fever ) rin on the chain on the neck – Cumber
Alling yourself with stars to trunsfer yorself as a power into any information sys
Somimes sendin one person( by sweeping jesture) sent all near ones (strongmen playing guitar on wifes birthday )”】
Now I’d love to know what did I mean.
The Writer on Her Work
on
I read this book as part of my postgrad research (which you can tell by the number of sticky notes), but I actually have enjoyed it more for personal reasons.
I would recommend it to anyone who writes or plans to write, regardless of being male or female, because even though it does touch on a subject of being woman writer, I personally felt that the most interesting things were written on being writer in general, and dealing with yourself as a writer.
Even though you can put sex or race in front of some things, to claim or insist on some ideas, if you take them out you will realise that those ideas are true for more people than you tried to include.
Even though every essay had very interesting things to take out, I would personally recommend the “What Is It I Think I’m Doing Anyhow” by Toni Cade Barbara