2-3 times a week I tend to have rather strange waking-up thoughts.
My favourite to this day is likely the “If you poke a vampire with a stick he will become dry and delicious” one, which I voiced to a friend who was waking me up after 4 hours of sleep many years ago.
Recently, I woke up with a thought about “whether a person who did not grow up with parental love (let’s define this parameter as ‘an ideal healthy family situation with 2 caring parents present’) can truly write from a perspective of a person who did not, and vice versa.”
I also dreamt about a discussion of responsibility of adults towards those around them vs. towards only themselves.
Can I please sleep without being so busy?
I’ve always had troubles remembering my own age (and a tendency to blink stupidly for a few moments when people ask my name), but I guess this just gets more socially terrifying the older you become.
I’ve spent about 20 minutes talking to a person while being completely certain that I was 4-5 years younger than I actually am. And only later it downed on me. As in “Hold on… what year is this?”
Sometimes I think… that for prophylactic reasons, it would be very nice if Internet would just disappear completely for at least one whole day once in a while… for the whole world.
Sometimes I put away reading and watching my favourite stories ’till the right time comes’ for years,
Or sometimes I’ll stop reading/watching something in the middle, not because I don’t like it, but because I like it a little too much.
These stories that I feel I have some connection with, get a little too deep into me, and whatever I feel emotionally almost hurts me physically.
I was in middle school when I watched The Two Towers for the very first time in the cinema, and almost had some strange kind of panic/heart attack, driving home through the night in my father’s car. It was a dark road through a forest, and my heart was hurting, and my head felt like I left it back in the movie world, right there on the walls of Hornburg, and I couldn’t breathe.
And that’s how I learned that I might be a little too impressionable towards the things I like.
Then there also was a mistake of watching all episodes of old Berserk after all episodes of Ayashi no Ceres in one day/night, after which I couldn’t walk straight for three days.
The point is, I feel bad about it, but I really can’t make myself watch/read some of my most favorite things just because they hurt too much and I think it’s kind of unfair.
Sometimes I feel like writing is building a huge puzzle from few thousand pieces without knowing the final picture.
Sometimes I feel that it is like building a living body in baby steps, assembling the bones on the first draft, then connecting the nerves, the muscles, adding some meat, some blood with every next editing, and finally skin, and colour before it is ready to become its own seperate being.
Sometimes I feel that it is like having a thousand of colourful strings and trying to weave a tapestry having no idea how to do it.
Sometimes I just have to stop in a middle of doing something and ask myself: “To whom was I just talking so intensively in my head for the last hour?!”