humans

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I’m being overly honest about things in a way that might just screw me over in near future in ways I can’t really afford.

I’m setting myself up for a rejection that might just kill me, because I’m afraid of many many things, but dying, metaphorically or not so much, perhaps never really was one of them.

I’m daring them to show me there can be a different outcome, because I never liked that Einstein’s definition of insanity, and still want to believe that if you do the right thing it will get the right response. Even if not the first dozen times.

It’s like a screwy kind of trust exercise, when I give people the knife, stand on the edge and tell myself there still might be a chance that they won’t do it. While kinda wanting to see the (after)world when they do.

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I wanted to stop people from noticing things about myself, because of the ways they were voicing them in, so I ran away into my loneliness.
I didn’t really make a conscious decision to run, but when my life turned in such a way that a big effort would be required to find people and make connections again, I chose not to make that effort. 
I wanted people to stop talking about the way I touch things. Or look at things. Or eat things. 
I wanted them to stop probing and poking and criticizing.
I wanted them to stop paying attention to things about me that I don’t have enough of an attention span to notice myself. Because I never knew someone could do it kindly.
I spend a lot of time inside my head, and when someone starts noticing the things I do while not paying attention to the things I do, it makes me feel vulnerable and naked. So I wanted them to stop.

And yet, in the end, not having anyone notice things about you for you is one of those things that will eventually drive a person mad.

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still trying to read stuff, write stuff and watch stuff at the same time,
like I can’t decide or can’t handle doing only one

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sometimes I just forget to tell myself that I’m crazy, 
when I’m writing this story and struggle with some part and think “I can’t just change this! Because that’s how it happened!“

I also wish I could just see in other writers’ heads, to find out why writing some things feels like making up things any way you want, and writing other things feels like you’re trying very hard to ‘novelise a movie’ from memory (and a very old memory at that)

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when you come in to work in the morning and see coffee spilled on the stairs outside… and feel genuine pity for the poor soul

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The glamour of working in gaming company:
Most mornings elevators smell like developers who didn’t go home for 3 days.
Or like excessive amount of whatever spray was used to hide that fact.
Depending on the department, you will find the most asexual workplace you’ve ever seen.
Others don’t come far behind though.
80% of people talk to themselves. Some in rather lengthy monologues.

I hear they also have to throw out a ton of sweets and present people send to fictional characters on the Valentines day and Birthdays and stuff.

 

 

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I just saw a person on tv who is like the complete opposite of me in one very important aspect.
He can’t stand touching paper.
…
THERE’S A PERSON WHO CAN’T STAND TOUCHING PAPER. :scream::scream::scream:

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Being anxious about every tiny social interaction out of your comfort zone is just that much more painful, when there’s a person around who appears like they don’t care about anything.

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I honestly hate it so much when cosmetics for different purposes come in similar packaging… over the years it at very least led me to 1) put facewash or hand soap on my tooth brush(multiple, oh so multiple times); 2) put mouth wash into washing machine; 3) put hand cream on my face; 4) put under-eye cream on a sore on my foot for a week (they looked verysimilar)…

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a whole full classroom of aspiring flight attendants practicing their perfect smiles by saying “Whiskey” loudly over and over

am I the only one who finds this so utterly hilarious

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world is a ridiculous place.

For instance foods that you have to pre-order months in advance.
Imagine ordering cheesecake that you will only be able to eat 1 year and 3 months later.

So much ridiculousness everywhere.
Like people in the workplace toilet who don’t wash their hands but spend 10 minutes applying eyeliner non-stop.

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Real piece of news from about 2 years ago:

A 70 year old man, who worked in a ticket office in Shinjuku gyoen–the big and very famous park and botanical garden in the middle of Tokyo, admission to which costs 200 yen (2$)–one day met some nasty foreigner, who yelled at him in english for some unknown reason. Likely, because, as most of japanese people of his age, the man didn’t understand what the foreigner was saying.
Anyhow, the experience was so traumatic, that he became afraid of foreigners and in order to avoid talking to the most scary-looking ones, begun to give out tickets for free to them out of fear. And then erasing the records of sold tickets to cover up. And then was arrested for fraud.