aspergers

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I wanted to stop people from noticing things about myself, because of the ways they were voicing them in, so I ran away into my loneliness.
I didn’t really make a conscious decision to run, but when my life turned in such a way that a big effort would be required to find people and make connections again, I chose not to make that effort. 
I wanted people to stop talking about the way I touch things. Or look at things. Or eat things. 
I wanted them to stop probing and poking and criticizing.
I wanted them to stop paying attention to things about me that I don’t have enough of an attention span to notice myself. Because I never knew someone could do it kindly.
I spend a lot of time inside my head, and when someone starts noticing the things I do while not paying attention to the things I do, it makes me feel vulnerable and naked. So I wanted them to stop.

And yet, in the end, not having anyone notice things about you for you is one of those things that will eventually drive a person mad.

on

still trying to read stuff, write stuff and watch stuff at the same time,
like I can’t decide or can’t handle doing only one

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There are many places I miss being at.
The problem is, even if I miss being there, I don’t really miss living there.

Because I feel that I wouldn’t be able to live there on my own. Unless there’s someone willing to act as a buffer between me and the society in those places in everyday situations
So I’m staying put where I am, where I can do things by myself.

on

“I want my book” sounds so unsettlingly like “I want my pacifier” in my head, … I can’t even….

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Being anxious about every tiny social interaction out of your comfort zone is just that much more painful, when there’s a person around who appears like they don’t care about anything.