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Contradictory cravings/feelings are extremely frustrating. 
Like when you’re extremely hungry but actually really don’t want to eat anything.
Or when you desperately want to read something, but your brain feels so raw you don’t really want to read anything.

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today we’ll listen to northmen telling us that ‘life is better alive’ and how it’s a ‘dumb thing to say, but won’t wane away’

and later I’ll maybe rant

p.s.
a voice actor managed to record ‘impotence’ instead of ‘impertinence’ and not a single person managed to notice. How the freak does that even happen.

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My mind is falling apart and I sort of want to write it somewhere on a wall in big red letters because, hello, cliché, and because I’m really not good at screaming.

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Can I please order food without having the delivery person ask me where I am from?! EH?!

That’s like the easiest way to get the ‘go fuck yourself’ reaction from me. And there are not many of those, actually.

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I can neither take nor give praise correctly. 
Some say that’s messed up. Perhaps.
But I prefer people who’d look at something attentively,
and give constructive criticism,
and point out all the things that they think need to be corrected,
than kissass.
Also, absence of points of criticism makes me feel like people didn’t even care to look.
Basically, it’s hard to think of something where there’s no more room for improvement,
and I’d prefer people to focus on that. What to make better and how.
And when people ask me for my opinion,
and I can see that what they mean is that they want someone to pet them on how well they have done and encourage them, I seriously have no idea what to do.

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I do honestly recommend to take a look at Hellblade. (if you can handle disturbing images) 
If you prefer/can – play it and support the developers. (it’s neither expensive nor long)
Or be like me and watch it like a movie. (not that I don’t want to support the developers, I just can’t really handle playing on my own right now) 
I personally watched it on Mr.Odd’s channel. (but if you prefer a playthrough without any commentary, I’m sure there’s tone of those too.)

But do take a look if you can, because in terms of story-telling and visuals, it’s a damn masterpiece.

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My very sick and boiling mind graced me with a colourful (and easy to understand, I hope…. but I’ve been very wrong about ‘easy to understand’ many times before) and very stupid (I’m allowed to have as much stupid as I want this week, so if you don’t get it, stfu) metaphor to describe how I’ve been feeling. So I’m going to just dump it out here. Because I need to dump out at least something of all the things I made myself keep in.

Imagine. Something is bringing you to an orgasm. Without you having much control over it. But it’s persistent. And it brings you closer and closer, and harder and harder, and just as you think that you’re going to get your release, you realise that you are physically unable to. And won’t be able to. Never. It’s not a denial game, and there’s no one who is doing this to you, no one who is in power to have mercy. You’re alone and your own body is torturing you. And it all has nowhere to go. So it almost breaks you apart, and since there’s nowhere to go it sort of settles back down, slowly. But after it get’s low enough, it starts to build up again. And now you know how this is going to go. And you dread it.
Imagined? 
Now imagine doing all the things you do on your normal day while feeling like that. Walking, working, talking, smiling.
Good?
Now replace reaching an orgasm with wanting to shoot your own brains out. Because they are burning inside of your scalp and have nowhere to go. And there are destructive thought that attack you if you drop your guard for a second, and there’s screaming, vomit and chaos. And it’s all inside.

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The problem I have with assholes is that they wake up my monsters. The monsters that I shoved as far down as I could, and starved, and almost killed myself trying to starve them, and moved myself to the country with one of the lowest crime and aggression rates on this planet, and with people who keep wide personal distance and don’t shove themselves in your head just for walking by, and with one of the strictest outside manners, and I made myself weak and surrounded myself by docile things just to keep my monsters sleeping, and it takes 2 seconds of some random assholes to get my monsters to raise their heads and… it’s just sad. Helplessly sad.

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Work thoughts:

  • Learned a new word a few days before.
    憤死 (funshi) – dying in a fit of anger or indignation.
    Love how there’s actually a separate word for that.
  • Amused by the culture where people believed it was easier to tell who was the father of a person, than who was the mother.
    After reading a number of biography notes starting “A son of B, mother was supposedly C.”
  • Heard people discuss a ‘dad dating’ game… with only appearing characters (as far as I saw), being the dads and their teenage daughters. 
    Still didn’t bring myself to look it up (because scary, not knowing the actual name), because I really couldn’t tell who was supposed to be dating whom in that combination.
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It always amused me how easily we accept that we live in a world where ‘depression and suicidal thoughts’ are listed as a side effects of the medication which you take against the depression and suicidal thoughts.

It’s a small example of a big world-standard pattern, but I hope some will get what I was trying to say.

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The weird shit I dreamt one day a while ago, was the weirdest and the shittiest shit I’ve seen in a while.
Of the things I could put into coherent words, I remembered conversationally telling someone who wad supposed to be my dead relative that I died on the final month of my pregnancy. And that was not the only dead baby present. There were also exploding buses, falling airplanes, mind-controlling and people-kidnapping slime, people turned into rings, a glimpse of porn, and sassy-talking warrior horses. Overall, imagine a 100 of weirdest sci-fi movies you’ve ever seen cut up and meshed together.

The funnest part that these dreams with my head so much, I managed to go to work without my glasses(hello eye pain and headaches all day long), work ID or phone and music charges. Basically most of things I need to function at work.

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I learned that reading customer communications from gamers could be a rather fun job to have.

One of them included a phrase ‘my game is european virgin’ and other one had spelling mistakes in practically every single word longer then 4 syllables.

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I miss good anime.
You know, the one where people actually put their blood and love into hand-drawing every frame, without using the lousy 3D,
and fussed about every little detail in those frames, the colouring, the lighting and the soundtrack,
and cared about style, coolness, and about making a new ‘social phenomenon’…

I used to like it, but now if I watch any anime at all, I mostly only re-watch something old that I used to like a lot many years before…

Also, seeing people cry blood tears of disappointment and frustrated disbelief about the American re-make of Death Note (what else did they expect though?) I remembered the joy of watching Death Note anime for the first time in my life (and buying even the soundtrack) and realised I kind of miss it. That joy.

(I hope they didn’t import Eva on Netflix because they are planning to make an US-made live action for it… )

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can’t quite decide if I want to sleep 20 hours a day or to stay up all night
I also feel like I’m starving 30 mins after I eat, and then don’t want to eat anything, but still feel like I’m starving

Fascinating.
all I can say at this point