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It’s kind of difficult to focus on your ‘real life’, or the ‘awake’ life,
when you feel like you just lived a whole different one in your dream

and that’s how it’s on most of mornings

maybe that’s one of the reasons why I feel so much like a ghost all the time

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…「もうだめ」という限界の境の線に立ち
甘いもの食べて、目を閉じて一歩下がる
一週間に一回ライブでも行き、まだ数歩下がり…
「もうちょっとできる」というところまでたどり着く。
それは数日保ち、まだ繰り返す。
ギリ一週間ももたない時の方が多い

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sometimes I just miss the world in which people didn’t have all the shiny screens to stare at wherever they go (especially at the restaurants and cafes)

and the world where internet was there, but you had to connect through the phone line and that didn’t work more times than it did… (and modem made all those noises) and it broke off all the time, and you had to choose wisely and carefully which pages there was a point to spend time loading, because the time you could spend doing that was very limited

and I miss the blackouts
and darkness and winter silence in general

and I know that there are more than enough places in this world where this (and worse) is still true.
but that’s not the point

the point is time, I guess. And priorities.

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sometimes some strange tiny little details about people’s expressions get to me
like the angle of that brow I’m not sure I was even supposed to see so clearly from that distance
but for some reason I saw it, and now the angle of that brow is stuck in my eye
and I probably need to draw it,
if I could draw and write my thesis at the same time

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I went to my first concert when I was about 6 years old, I think.
There was an adult pop singer (male) I liked at that time, and my parents decided to take me (almost had to run away from it, because at the very first song they used some fireworks that set the curtain in the concert hall on fire (the times!), but they put it out fairly quickly and went on with the concert),

parents also wanted to take me to a rock-ish band concert somewhere around that time, but when they went themselves and saw that half of the band was drunk and the other clearly on drugs (the times! again), they decided better not.

anyway, that’s not what I was trying to say

I was trying to say,
that I went  to my first concert when I was 6, and there were times when I would go to another country just to go to a concert, or go to a 2-3 concerts a week,

and that no matter how much I love live music and what it does for me,
I still am completely unable to comprehend what is it that other human beings have in them that makes them want to raise their hands, shout and scream and jump (and I’m not even talking about all the other violent things some people do at rock concerts) and squeal people’s names and so on.

Every single time I go to a live, a either try not to look at the audience at all, all stare at it in shock, because it makes me feel majorly alienated, for being unable to comprehend people’s behavior.

I do realise that if everyone was like me, it would be a very boring audience
but still, it’s not like I’m the one who has to perform out there

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after watching some animal training programs on Animal Planet
the biggest thing I learned, is that the most important quality and skill an animal trainer has to have, is a huge amount of tolerance and patience
towards ridiculously stupid and terrible human beings

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I give up on reading good books more often than I’d like to admit.

Because some more pain is not what I’m looking for in life right now.

I also prefer books that try to give and create things that our world is missing. The good kind.

Not focus and show us the worst things that do exist or can exist in our world.

I’m sure there are people who wouldn’t know that they existed if they didn’t read about them, and that’s why those kind of books should exist, but…

…there is just never enough good, and too much of negativity and people are not focusing on the right things.